Anguilla, Bahama, C'mon Pretty Mama...

Oooooooooh Bachelor…how I love thee, let me count thy ways…on Valentine’s Day.  What a perfect end to Vday2K11.  Not only do I have a beautiful, brunette, brown eyed girl lying on the couch next to me (see picture above), but I also have another beautiful brunette on the other side of me who would not allow me to take her picture.  Just trust me in that she’s one beautiful Valentine.  We’ve finally had some warm weather move in (PS…I was at the dog park yesterday and the pond there was partially frozen.  Well, a golden retriever had kind of fallen off the ice into the water and was trying to climb back up onto the ice.  I was down there trying to coral Jeter Bug and I see this whole thing happening.  Now, before you start crying…the water was maybe 2.5 feet deep, and the dog was no more than 10 feet from the shore.  If necessary, I was ready to jump into the water to save this dang mutt…but I was praying I wouldn’t have to do that, so I was trying to coax the dog to forget the ice and just swim to shore.  Well, the owner wasn’t wasting any time…she jumped right in that freezing cold water, screaming at the dog and crying at the same time.  She got about thigh-deep, grabbed the dog and directed it to shore.  She then continued her screaming and crying all the way out of the water and yelled something like “This is exactly why my husband doesn’t bring our dog to THIS park!!!!” directly at me.  I quickly got out of her way in fear of getting cat-scratched.  She grunted at the dog in some demonic voice to “get over heeeere” as it was running around, and then that was the end of it.  She waddled her way, soaking wet, all the way to the car, dragging the dog by the collar. I just thought that was a good story to get us going). 

The boys and girls have been kidnapped and are taken captive to Anguilla…what a horrible journey this has been for them.  And then they’re going to be drug to South Africa next week, geeze.  Poor Chris Harrison.  Actually that would kind of suck to be on a plan for 18 hours and get 45 seconds of camera time.  But then again I’m sure he’s wiping his tears with $100 bills.  What a lovely island this is.  I’ve never been to Anguilla nor do I know many that have.  Perhaps I need to add it to my list….my list of Bachelor destinations that is.  Little does Kate know that all of the destinations we travel to are modeled after where Chris Harrison leaves his musk.  Looks like Anguilla and Costa Rica are the next two stops on the itinerary for us…

Surprise, surprise…..Bremily is going on the first one-on-one date.  And to all of our dismay, Emily starts out in her usual angelic yet boring fashion.  It seems like each date she goes on, it’s the same story…. “I really like Brad, I get so nervous around him, it’s scary, I’ve got a cute little southern accent, blah blah blah”.  It’s just sad to watch because you’ve got a 9.9 on the outside, and a 2.2 on the inside (personality wise).  Don’t get me wrong, she seems like an amazing girl that is sweeter than pie, but nobody wants sweet when you’re hanging out with a group of friends, or when you’re visiting your local haunted house at Halloween, or when you’re bored on a Tuesday night while playing baseball in Hawaii during the summer and getting with a group of college friends who are also staying in Hawaii for the summer and driving 1.5 hours across the island to a national wildlife park at midnight and sneaking into the park right underneath the security guard’s nose and hiking 2 miles into the park in the pitch black of night and then swimming in a bottomless pool underneath a 40 foot waterfall.  Nobody wants a sweetie in that situation!  You want an adventurous, outgoing, fun girl who’s willing to be right next to you the entire time.  The most personality we’ve seen was whenever she and Brad talked about meeting her daughter…that was when I feel like we saw a real side of her. 

Shawntel is awesome.  That’s all we need to say.  She clearly has the best personality out of the entire 6 girls who begin this episode.  She’s the most fun, she’s the most outgoing, and probably the most down-to-earth girl still left.  And let’s not forget she’s got a uniquely beautiful look.  If she doesn’t end up getting a ring in the end (which I currently don’t think she will), she has got to be one of the front runners for The Bachelorette.  And you know she’ll have my support.  Shawnty has a good ole fashioned, island style date with B-rad.  They walk the streets (certainly with body guards and guns hiding off camera), jump some rope, and play dominos with some local hoodlums.  Shawty (slang for Shorty) shows how fun she can be and how level headed she is by conversing and having fun with the locals.  Not many broads would be willing to do that.  Most would be complaining and wanting to go back to Vegas for another shopping spree.  They have a lovely dinner and then…....the RAIN comes down.  There’s nothing like kissing in the rain.  I’ve never done it but every time I see it happen on the Bach it looks just amazing and gives me butterflies.  When Brawntel ditch the Caribbean concert and hit the ocean for a swim, they just look right together.  There’s no drama between them, she doesn’t make him uncomfortable, she doesn’t annoy him, she doesn’t burden him…they don’t have to try, it just happens.  She’s just so darn cute and affectionate.  Love her.  And what’s better is she admitted to falling in love with Brad.  Please, please, please, please don’t let her stupid undertaker job get in the way of a ring Brad!!!  The preview for next week sure makes us think that his hometown meeting with her doesn’t go well, and Brad likes to use stupid things (like someone’s occupation) as an excuse as to why they wouldn’t work.  Let’s just hope that the producers are trying to pull a Philly fake-out on us with this preview business.  She’s far and away my #1. 

Oh Britt….Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt.  Not much else I can say.  Actually, there’s a lot I could say, but I’m not going to.  Yes, she’s a little sweetheart, very nice girl.  However it sure is unfortunate that someone like Jackie couldn’t be here in Anguilla.  I sure think she would’ve had a better chance than Britt at true love.  Ya sure, Jackie probably wasn’t going to get the ring, but again, it’s hard to think that Britt had a better chance than Jackie.  That’s the biggest disappointment about this whole deal.  It was so awkward seeing he and Britt have to interact, and then when he had to break the news to her, gosh it was like an 8th grade break up - we just didn't know how to act, do we hug?  Do we just walk away and not say anything?  Do we cry?  I'm not sure, and I don't think Britt or Brad knew either...other than for Brad to repeatedly tell her "watch your step".  And gosh she’s so dang skinny it hurts me.  I didn’t know you could be a food critic and not actually eat the food.  She has to start being more proactive in her career.  I think the writing was on the wall for poor Repunzel…Brad had no intentions of climbing up that mane of hair and giving her a rose. 

Chanty, the Carnie, and the Crazie join together on the group date.  I loved how B-rad started this one off.  It was great getting to see these “roses” actual in their dormant state.  I will say I thought Michelle looked prettier than I would’ve expected.  The Carnie was about as I expected…circus-ish.  I halfway expected her to have clown makeup on.  This group date was weird…not really the best atmosphere for taking multiple women out, but whatev.  Poor little Chanty is not feeling up for this date.  She’s just like me and has let her swimsuit body get away from her.  I think she looked fine (much better than Brit), but the other brunette next to me (not Bella) says she looks preggers.  I say she just had eaten an extremely large breakfast, give her a break.  They don’t have a treadmill in the Bachelor mansion.  Anyway, of all the things they could’ve done in Anguilla…they do a photo shoot.  Booooooooooooooring.  Snooze fest.  And not to mention they had to get up at 2 a.m. for this.  That sucks.  I thought they were going shark diving or something cool like that.  Basically the whole group date ended up being a sob fest for all 3 girls.  Michelle yet again shows us her stubborn, I’m-always-right side…even though she claimed to Brad, “I’ll be the first to admit whenever I’m wrong.”  She kept me on the edge of my seat waiting for her to admit that she had done some wrong things in the past few weeks…but alas it never came.  Chanty was as emotional as ever.  I really think Brad likes her a lot, and she’s obviously fallen for Bwad (speech impediment).  But Bwad also doesn’t really care for the roller coaster ride that sometimes she gets on.  She does schtill have the lischpth going for her though, so you never know. 

Ashley has sure flown under the radar in the past few weeks (no pun intended with her carnie height).  I think she clearly got the picture back when Brad pulled a 180 on the group date and changed his mind from giving her the rose that night to Brit (again…why her???).  She’s done the right thing though and laid low (no pun intended again).  The one thing that bugs me about her (in addition to the other 12 things) is she always seems to see the glass half empty.  She’s always worried about the bad stuff happening.  I guess it’s hard to avoid that mentality on this show, but c’mon, you’ve basically got about 2 months to show this guy how great of a person you are and how enjoyable you are to be around…quit filling his head with negative energy girl!!!  Actually, keep doing it…maybe next week will be the end for you.  Probably not though, I have a bad feeling that she ends up in the final two.  A very bad feeling.  I’m beginning to think that Brad has a secret affinity for the carnival that goes back to his childhood, there’s really no other explanation for her still being around.  Basically I think Ashley got their group rose because she gave him the smallest headache on their date.  Michelle is just a black hole, and Chanty has shed too many tears for one day.  So…why not, congrats Carnie!

Brad is such a bad boy.  First, he gives the producers the bird by informing Emily that she’s for sure getting a rose, then…he slashes the producers’ tires by dropping the cocktail party at the end of the episode because there’s no point.  Oh Bad, Bad Brad.  You naughty little boy.  I expect next episode to see him driving up on a Harley wearing leather chaps and a wife beater…with holes in it and a coffee stain or two on it.  That’s what I’m talking about.  That’s bad to the bone.  Ok, back to reality (yes, this show IS reality).  I really got a sense that Michelle was done for whenever Brad killed the cocktail time.  Basically, he didn’t want to have to argue with Michelle and listen to another one of her schpeels.  It’s as simple as that.  Britt had already been sent home, that was a no brainer.  So it basically was between Chanty and Michelle, those were the two that seemed to be on the fence for him.  I was so pumped with Shawty got her rose.  She rocks my socks!  Emily also receives her guaranteed rose, and she could end up in the final 3, but I still don’t see her getting the ring.  It’s just too difficult of a situation for Bad Brad to overcome.  And finally, it’s DONE.  Michelle goes bye bye.  And ya know, I’ll be honest, I think the time I liked her the most while on this show was while she was riding away in the limo after the show…simply because she was QUIET and didn’t drain the life out of me.  It was so refreshing not to have to hear some crazy idea come out of her mouth.  Just….peace….and….quiet.  Take notes my fellow ladies!!!

As I sit here and listen to one of the Glee soundtracks play on shuffle, I am reminded of what this day truly is about.  Today is not about chocolates, or bouquets of flowers, or jewelry.  Heck, it’s not even about the 17 teddy bears that I had sent to me today (16 of them by secret admirers, and almost all of them were from girls)….Nay…it’s about one, simple phrase – “Will you accept this rose?”  And my answer to that is….does Britt have high school prom hair?  YES!!!  Happy Valentine’s Day to all you little bachelorettes out there. 

XOXO

The Bachelor Wizard