Week 1 – Introductions (probably not the best time to get krunk)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah boys and girls.  We’re back.  I missed all of you.  I hope you missed me.  But now daddy is back.  We’ve been pacified by posers such as American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance Season 12, as well as the NBA playoffs.  They’ve simply been the appetizer to our main course.  Finally, the real programming is here. 

Now, let’s get some things out of the way.  As we all know, I am not a huge fan of the Carney, aka Ashley H.  There’s nothing that she’s done per say, she’s a nice gal I’m sure.  But I think we all agree that there could have been some more exciting/appealing choices for our viewing pleasure this season.  But, it is what it is and the Carney is just like the rest of us – circling this globe looking for love, the same way Rick Mitchell searches out for supercells. 

This story is not about our own personal desires or dreams, even though some of us email the producers on a weekly basis asking for guest appearances.  It’s about two hearts becoming one.  There is another circus worker out there for Ashley H, maybe it’s the dog-face man, maybe it’s the lion tamer, maybe it’s the bearded lady.  It doesn’t matter.  What matters is that we have all received a front row ticket to Barnum Bailey’s Circus and let’s sit back, relax, and eat some peanuts. 

So, what matters this first week?  Not much, other than we all get make our preliminary decisions on who’s taking home the gold and silver.  So here are my top five picks for a life filled with circus peanuts (in no particular order):

-West:  seems like a genuinely nice guy, has had a horrible past, so we will see if that allows him to open up for a new relationship. 

-Ryan P:  received the first impression rose, so they always get an edge up.  Also seems like a nice guy, however I wonder if this fellow is going to be a little to chippy for the Carney?  It’s nice to be positive, but ya know, every now and then we all just want to be a Debbie downer. 

-Constantine:  I’m only choosing this long haired silly goose because it looks like one of the dudes with the long hair ends up staying in the game for quite a while and gets one of the destination dates. 

-JP:  You could tell the Carney genuinely likes this guy.  Seems like a down to earth guy, hopefully he hasn’t  shaved his head due to early age balding. 

-Blake:  this guy’s a dentist…is that even really fair???  You know the Carney is going to proposition him just so that she can have a job out of dental school.  Actually, she probably wouldn’t even have to work.  So yes, the wheels are turning inside her head very quickly. 

The Thunder just lost.  Unbelievable.  First Haley gets booted off AI, then the Thunder poop themselves two games in a row, what’s next…the cancelation of Glee?  Doubt it.  At least we can count on that.  So let’s get this out in the open here – obviously Bentley (dumb name by the way….sorry if any of you preggers chicks out there were considering using it) is this season’s villain.  Hard to believe that Ashley received warning about him, and she’s not heeding it.  Apparently Michelle Money from last season knows Bentley’s ex-wife and Michelle emailed the Carney and gave her a heads up.   Apparently Bentley is an idiot and either didn’t watch last season, or just doesn’t understand of the concept of this series.  During his “get to know me” interview…he said he hoped the bachelorette was Emily….whatttt???  He might as well have wished it to be Trista Sutter.  She probably would come back.  What a db.  And then, on camera, he’s as dumb as Wes the country singer, and admits that he’s not even attracted to her, knows it wouldn’t work, and again wishes it would’ve been Emily.   And the rose ceremony was soooooooo suspenseful.  I was really thinking that the carney was going to choose the Canadian over Bentley.  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.  It was such a shock. Nooooooooooooooooooot.  The poor Carney apparently doesn’t figure it out until down the road, which sucks for her, but I guess it will help keep our attention this season.

Peace be with all of you, and remember, don’t look behind you, because I won’t be there.  Don’t look ahead of you, because I won’t be there either.  Just look right beside you, because that’s where I’ll always be.  Sometimes the greatest conversations are the ones that never have any words in them.  And don’t eat the yellow snow.

XOXO

The Bachelorette Wizard

Week 11 - Emily is...WINNING (Charlie Sheen)

Ok people.  I have an unbelievably great deal of emotion flowing through my body right now.  I'm a little tongue tied to be honest - sitting here and looking at Molly Malaney has flabergasted my typing fingers, so forgive me.  Love is a marathon, not a sprint.  We just completed miles 24 through 26.2...our legs are cramping, our hips are aching, we have blisters on our feet, and it's the greatest feeling in the world.  There's nothing else like it on earth.  The Bachelor(ette) creates a feeling of love like we only experience twice a year.  Sure, there are you naysayers out there who like to front on me and Chris Harrison, but to you, I say...people get divorced at a 50% rate in the unfortunate world we live in anyway...and that is all the while having months and years to "get to know" each other.  So maybe 3 months is something that can actually work.  It sure doesn't seem like it hurts their chances, now does it?  Does it always work?  Obviously no.  But tonight we saw three great examples of how it CAN work...even after the disaster of a relationship that Jason and Molly went through.  So all of you negative Nancy's out there who say it can't work, it won't work, it doesn't work...you all just go back to watching Judge Judy late at night while you lie in bed surrounded by your 17 cats that you own and let sleep with you and pee in the bed with you.  If that offends you, then you probably need to get rid of all your cats.  Just sayin....we'll probably see you on Hoarders before long too.

Our journey with Brad and Emily may have come to a close...however their journey has just begun.  Now, they need our thoughts and prayers, especially with that kid of Emily's.  Joking, but kind of serious.  I'd like everyone to take a look back to our very first BLOG.  I predicted that Emily had a great chance of being in the finals, and perhaps WINNING (Charlie Sheen voice).  She was my only girl with that sort of prediction.  I feel that Nostradamus has spoken again.  Chris Harrison comes to me in my dreams.  I see dead people.  It's probably a good thing that Emily was as exciting as paint drying while on the show - otherwise this "competition" would have been a cake walk for her.  Her boringness at least gave us hope that someone else may steal Brad's heart.  If only Michelle wouldn't have been such a kook.  And if only Shawntel would have had a "normal" job...like a maid, or a cook (ya know, typical female jobs) then I think she could have been there in the end.  But, alas, Emily's angelic features outshined her lack of persona.  Loved her new hairdo tonight by the way - what it is with these girls and AFTER they get back from the show?  Their hair looks way better.  Maybe it's because it's the firs time they've ever seen themselves on camera.  I usually film a biography on myself about once a week, and then review/critique it myself just to make sure everything is in good standing.  Some of you ladies should try that out, it does wonders for your style.  Oh and yes I do also have videos of myself auditioning for Chris Harrison's job, even though there have not been any requests for those tapes.  I also frequently unbutton my pants button after I gorge myself at restaurants, I highly recommend trying that. 

So, how did we feel about their "after the rose" episode?  This episode is much more meaningful than the actual proposal episode, which is usually just a bunch of fluff (unless you're Jason Mesnick's season).  During the main episode tonight though, I did think Brad was a little cry baby when Emily simply was reminding him that having a kid is not always fun (heck...when IS it fun???)  Brad got quite defensive and I think he overreacted, do you?  Emily was simply making sure he understood everything it takes to be a parent, and he then assumes that she's questioning his dedication.  I think we saw his feminism coming out tonight - probably a reason he's still single.  But hopefully that's only a once every few months type of deal.  I do think it was probably good for them to "fight" a little though - I really think that couples don't get to see the real sides of each other until they have some good fights.  My lovely bride and I agreed upon that belief way back in our teenage years and decided we would get to know each other VERY well and VERY often.  But, I know today that she's worth fighting for, because I've already done it.  I would fight and argue with her every day of my life if it meant still being able to be her husband, and I hope Bremily finds that same feeling. 

Emily obviously has some commitment issues, which is scary because Brad usually is the one with those.  But maybe this is good for them.  Maybe this is what Brad needs - someone that HE has to reassure that everything's ok.  I think we'd all agree that they seem to be in love.  And it's good to hear they actually broke up and postponed the wedding, I actually think that's really good.  Like Brad said, it goes to show that they are a real relationship and not in a fantasy land.  Although I think ABC paying hundreds of thousands on your wedding is pretty much a fantasy so he needs to consider that side of things too.  Am I guaranteeing that they will make it?  No...but let's face it, they've got a much better chance that Jake and Vienna (ha, what a fiasco that was).  And I think they both realize that it will take time...just like Ali and Robert-o have. 

[Imagine the song "Marry Me" by Train is playing as we read this final paragraph]....As we draw to a close (and only have a little over two months until we see the Bachelorette - PRAY it's not the Carnie!!!) I think we can learn several important life lessons from this season.  First, 2nd chances should be granted.  Second, Brad runs like a girl.  Third, you apparently can give yourself a black eye while sleeping.  And fourth, and most importantly, "I believe...love will always find a way".  Always remember my Bachelorites...every rose has its thorns, but it doesn't make it smell any less sweet.  I love you all like Brad loves the word "please". 

XOXO

The Bachelor Wizard

Week 10 - Guard and Protect your Hearts

Well it's one of our favorite weeks - all the losers come back and get to air out all the dirty laundry.  I apologize I wasn't able to get this published last night, I ended up having to get some work done instead so that I can pay for the internet that allows me to write this little piece of Heaven.  Unfortunately, this episode wasn't NEARLY as juicy as Jake's season...when Rozlyn was caught wrestling around with one of the show's staff members while they were filming.  There were A LOT of bombs dropped during that episode.  We may not ever see one as hot as that one, however it's still always nice to see all the drama that the whole group brings together as a whole.  Think about it, when these ladies are in the house together, 95% of their time is spent split up, in different cliques.  Each girl is going to hang out with other girls that they get along with.  But when brought back for this episode, all the girls must face each other and duke it out.  It's a beautiful thing.  Tonight's summary will be shorter, basically I just want to go through and hit some of the highlights, or lowlights, that I gathered from the show...

Increased Popularity:

Michelle - sure, go back and read nearly every week's blog and most of the press was negative towards Michelle...but that was mostly just due to her "plan of action" towards Brad as well as her clearly not being the woman he needs to marry.  Based on interviews with some of the other girls, many of them said Michelle was actually very nice during the show and was kind to them.  I don't necessarily doubt that - just about ANY time she was being whacko was when she was alone, just with the camera, or with Brad.  Very rarely did she do anything crazy when she was with the other girls.  Now, don't get me wrong, I think her and Brad were NOT meant for each other...and ultimately that's what led me to portray her negatively, but after seeing her tonight, it was easier to like her.  It is hard to say what her true personality is, however we at least got to see a more sensitive side of her tonight, as well as got to hear her acknowledge that she and Brad were not meant for each other...which I think is all any of us ever wanted to hear this season anyway. 

Ashley S - no one ever had a bad thing to say about Ash S anyways, but tonight we just got to see a little more of this sweet southern belle.  She had a horribly emotional departure, which was hard to watch, and she obviously was still a little saddened by how Brad broke the news to her, but we also did NOT see her act rudely or confront Brad in a harsh manner like many chicks would've.  She was polite, sweet, and southern...can't get much better than that. 

Britt - the reason Britt's popularity increased was because she talked more on this episode than she did the entire season, that's pretty much it.

Shawntel - our favorite girl went from being a 9.9 to a 10 just by showing up tonight.  I don't even think I heard her say a word, however simply by her being present...anyone with a brain and a heart grew more fond of her. 

Madison - I think we all gained a solid respect for her after the way she departed the show early.  However, getting to see her just be "normal" again last night solidified our recent opinions of her.  I still think she is in love with Edward Cullen and that is what ultimately came between her and Brad.  But we will never know...

The Carnie Ashley - I hate to say it...but her hair did look a lot better.  She went with the pageant queen style hairdo all season which was so darn cute back in 1996, but just wasn't working for us at this point in time.  Basically she could've shaved her head and it would've probably looked better, but I actually did like the brunette look.  She was still squirrelly though and I'm assuming she'll resume her job back with the circuis any day now...

The Divas we never knew:

Jackie - dad gumit Jackie...I stuck up for you all season and then you go and let me down.  Sure she was upset with Michelle and possibly had the reasons to be mad.  But as Ashley (the good Ashley) stated...NO GUY WANTS TO SEE GIRLS BE DRAMATIC.  It is unnnnnnnnattractive.  That is what led to both Raichel and Melissa's demise...although I tend to think that the pizza and onion comments by Melissa is what got her booted.  Jack was upset with the stuff Michelle said off-camera, and yes I understand why.  However, even after putting in her two cents...which is one cent more than what women should even be allowed...she still continued on about it.  I had a great idea last night - Brad should get to watch this episode and then decide if he wants to perhaps bring 1 select girl BACK onto the show.  I really think you get to see what the girls are really like after they come back and have to deal with each other all over again. 

Stacey - c'mon sister, you really weren't even on the show that long.  You can't go around making statements about how people raise their kids and not get flack for it.  That's an area that you should know you don't intrude.  You want to talk about me?  That's fine.  But don't you ever talk about how I've raised my german shepherd.  Otherwise I will give her the german code word and she will kill you.  Stacey should've known that, but apparently was not a part of a sorority that instilled those values.  I recommend  Kappa Kappa Gamma at the U of Oklahoma (kite and key, blue and blue ladies) for anyone on the search.  Stacey probably went to OSU and just didn't know any better. 

Melissa and Raichel - again, seeing as though Melissa and Raichel's feud was one of the "top" stories for this episode, it goes to show that there really wasn't THAT much for us to work with this season.  For whatever reason, Lissa and Raich just didn't get along.  Big whoop, who really cares.  Neither of them had a chance as far as I'm concerned.  Raichel seems to think that Lissa blew her chances with Brad...I guess Raichel still doesn't know what Emily looks like.  And Melissa...poor girl...just not sure how she was even on the show.  Most likely just so that they had a few more blondes to mix in with all the brunettes.  But she was bad news bears from day one and unfortunately we had to relive her saga last night.  At least Brad picked up on it quickly and spared us much agony. 

So that's it for the most part - no crazy bombs were dropped...no one provided any new, hot topics...but at least one of them dyed their hair. That's always a headline.  Now the question is...Who will be the next Bachelorette?  Rumors are saying Ashley the Carnie, which I reeeeeeeeeally hope doesn't happen, even after she got her hair did.  I just can't handle it.  But, it makes sense.  She's probably finished school by now, and this would be a perfect time for her to do something like this if she were going to do it, before she started a real job.  Who else would it be?  Michelle?  I think there's too much disdain for her out there still.  Shawntel?  Unfortunately too pretty and perfect.  Ashley S?  She would get my vote.  Let me know your thoughts.

Next week is big, huge.  We finally get to see if Brad is committed, or if he's going to stab us all in the hearts again with a dull knife and not pick either of them.  That would actually be pretty funny...think about how expensive his therapy bill would be after that though.  Well, in the beautiful words of Casey from Ali's season, "Here's my heart...jump in and stay a while (oh and by the way I went and got a tattoo of you on my wrist during the show, hope that doesn't freak you out)". 

XOXO

Gossip Girl...I mean,

Bachelor Wizard

Week 9 - Three's a Crowd!!!

South Africa…land of enchantment…the country of love…founded by the Germans in 1907, South Africa is not only a general description of the continent, it’s also a country – for all of you ladies out there.  The capital of South Africa is Bangkok, which is where our story takes place this week.  Now that we have the background information out of the way, let’s take a wild safari ride into the wilderness of LOVE.  Lions, tigers, and Chantal’s Jorts….OH MY!  This location, which is actually located in northern Africa, is quite unique for the show.  Let’s face it, these girls aren’t typically made for mosquitoes and hot weather.  But, I felt like they all 3 made the best of it.  The episode was most likely filmed in late November or early December, which is summer time in South Africa.  I can’t imagine how uncomfortable some of these dates were.  I hope Brad wore britches underneath those trousers of his…..on second thought….I hope he didn’t    =0   Brad gets some special one on one time with each of the ladies this week and it’s time he starts to ask some serious questions.  I think he and Chanty really need to get into a fight to see what they’re both really like.  Because right now, it seems like Chanty just says whatever is easiest, and she’s probably had the “smoothest” road thus far.  Emily, I think, makes up for her lack of excitement by just looking like a beautiful little angel during each of her appearances in this episode.  And she also does actually show some new feelings which was a pleasant surprise.  And then there’s the Carnie…oh Ashley…you’ve never done anything directly to spite me, however I must say it was nice seeing you exit.  Brad finally got on the same page as me.

Chantal – little miss Chanty struggles with her wardrobe sometimes…which is weird because she’s obviously got money in the family.  Several episodes back, she killed a cheetah and wore it during the rose ceremony cocktail party.  When they went on their safari, I was really surprised the lions didn’t seek revenge for their killed friend and attack Chanty.  Then, today, she decides to rock the jorts – which isn’t usually a big deal, as even I like to wear a nice pear of jorts every now and then, especially ones where that have the cargo pockets for my hammer or other tools.  But Chanty takes it to another level by adding the belt and then the mid-drift style shirt.  I’m not a female wardrobe consultant like Ali was, but I’m pretty sure girls aren’t supposed to wear belts with jorts.  And it’s probably safe to say that Chanty’s jorts weren’t falling off of her (nothing wrong with that….girls with curves need to show off what their mother’s gave them).  But just sayin’.  Again, on their date, I feel like they sort of just float along.  Right now, I think Brad could say, “Hey, I’ve got an idea – let’s fly to the moon and try to start a colony up there…just us two.”  And Chanty would respond back with 100% seriousness, “Whatever you want to do…I’m totally cool with it.”  I do think she’s going to get the final rose, although Emily did really earn some brownie points in my cookbook tonight.  I think Chanty has just said the right things and made Brad feel comfortable around her and she makes him smile, which I guess is important…

The best question that was brought up during our watch party was, “Where in the world does Chantal go to the bathroom during the middle of the night (while in the fantasy suite)?”  B-rabbit could just simply pee over the edge of the tree house, but Chanty is up a creek.  Maybe they had a hole cut in the floor of the tree house that we didn’t see.  But it sure made you think about it. 

Emily – she FINALLY is able to open up a little bit during their date and tells B-rad that she’s falling in love with him.  I never thought we’d see the day when that happened.  I honestly thought she was going to go the whole season without saying anything about the L-word.  But I think she made some big steps tonight.  Emily also looks super foxy in her little safari outfit.  She pulled off the jorts a little better than Chianti did.  Team Bremily face some tough questions, which I think are very important for them to ask each other.  Brad inquires about whether or not little Ricky Bobby is ready for someone like him to be around, and Emily then asks if B-rad is ready to be a dad to a 5 year old.  I think they both answered appropriately, and again Emily showed some emotion that we haven’t seen the entire season during their convo.  Even the elephants loved it when they started kissing. 

All season I’ve wondered how Emy would respond to the fantasy suite invitation.  I think I’ve only seen 1 girl turn down the offer…Korie from Jake’s season.  And kudos to her for doing so.  I loved her by the way.  I think Emy is the same kind of girl as Korie…and she wants to make it clear she’s not a dirty harlot, which is probably the last description we all have for her.  But I think she probably realized how important their time away from the cameras might be.  So she hesitantly accepts.  Let’s just assume they kept it PG rated and played jungle monopoly all night.  I initially thought Emily was going to go home tonight, because all good things must come to an end.  I thought the walls that have been between them in weeks passed might become too much tonight, but she proved me wrong.  She pulled a Philly fake out on me.  She followed her heart, and after seeing her tonight, I’ve shifted my momentum and sure wish that B-Rabbit would pick her.  I think he could deal with that dullness in exchange for those looks and that accent =)  Not to mention, he also told Emily that he was also falling in love with her too – something that he hasn’t said to any of the other girls all season.  If he DOESN’T pick Emily, how’s his future fiancé going to feel when they go back and watch this episode?  I have a feeling Bradley is going to try and nix that idea. 

Carnley – (Ashley)….aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Thank God.  I must say I am not disappointed this happened.  Ashley and Brad were just on different pages…and I think it all started when producers were listing Ashley as a “Dentist” on her profession in the beginning, when she’s still in school.  I think this probably really bothered Brad and he saw the dishonesty surrounding her.  If her “tv occupation” isn’t up front, what else about her is fake?  Is her name even Ashley?  Did the producers really find her working at a carnival in updated Pennsylvania?  Has she really had a forehead implant?  We will never really know all of the answers to these questions.  And frankly, we don’t need to.  All we need to know is that Carnley has her sights set on this “dentist” occupation so deeply that she doesn’t even mention the idea of moving to Austin when he asks her about future plans.  I think that’s where her demise really began tonight.  Brad just needed ooooooooooone little snag and he took advantage of it.  I mean was it really a decision tonight?  Her date was so dang awkward, it was just like a piece of art being painted in front of our eyes.  One of those foreign paintings that you have no idea what the interpretation is supposed to be…where they just like splatter paint on the canvas…that’s how her date went tonight.  Brad should have led her down to the river and accidentally pushed her in and seen if there were any crocs around.  But that probably would have resulted in a law suit so instead we got stuck with the typical exit.  Somehow Ashley acted surprised, she must not have been paying attention to their date.  But it’s been a long time coming, and finally we are all FREE!!!

So our journey to South Africa ended up with good things happening for us all.  It’s just a shame that Carnley took the place of a few of the other girls who could’ve still been there, but whatev.  Next week – Chianti and Emily get to meet Brad’s family in Cape Town, which was founded by the African Americans during the Great Depression.  Lots of history there.  Let’s just hope Brad’s twin is there and they try to pull another stunt like they did a few years back and have his brother fill in Brad’s place during a cocktail party and see which girls noticed.  That’s what I’m talking about.  Until then, all you ladies out there, please brush up on  your South African history so that you’ll understand everything I’m talking about next week.  And remember, a rose without all its petals is still a flower…just an ugly one. 

XOXO

The Bachelor Wizard

Goodbye my looooove

Alright party people, let's make sure and visit the link below and check out Shawntel's exit video.  As we all see yet again, Shawnty is a lovely girl with a great attitude and an appreciative heart.  These are the kind of girls we love to love.  And let's face it, out of the top 5 girls left on the show, Shawnty really would be the best girl for the job.  Yes, Emily is a little angel...but again, I just don't think we'd have enough attitude or personality there for a whole show.  And I don't think she'd leave her kid again...which is respectable.  But do you civil duties and vote, vote, vote...this is more important than your local congressional voting.  This has lifelong impacts.  Don't play around with this stuff.  If you want your voice heard, vote!  Yes We Can!  You can cast your vote also at the link below and click "home".  It's down towards the bottom. 

http://thebachelor.warnerbros.com/video/shawntels-hometown-date/

XOXO

Week 8 - Rich parents, Carnies, Dead people, and kill-joy kids

Valentine’s Day has come and gone, many of our hearts were filled with love, and many of our hearts were crushed like a walnut….including mine when all I received for Valentine’s Day was a cookie from City Bites.  And ya, it was a delicious peanut-butter swirl cookie, but it was nothing compared to the sour patch kids, hot tamales, Homeland flowers and Glee soundtrack that my mistress received.  Not much compares to that.  Try not to be jealous ladies.  And gentlemen….please take notes.  B-Rabbit has to take the death leap and visit the girls’ hometowns and families.  These meetings can be great, but they can also be really awkward and make for some great TV.  Nothing too crazy happened this week, other than Brad acting like a baby at the mausoleum and then Emily’s kid being your typical kill-joy!  Dang kids.  I was just waiting for Brad to take her behind a tree in the park and warm her backside and give her something to be mute about.  Finally, she really opened up and muttered two words later on.  I would like to take this opportunity to wish Jason and Molly Mesnick a happy 1 year anniversary that they just celebrated.  I really liked Jason, and Molly was probably my favorite bachelor contestant ever…so it just warms my heart to see them still happy.  And I know they will be reading this, so congrats you two crazy lovebirds. 

Chantal – well, is it really hard to decide who Brad’s going to pick now???  I mean c’mon.  It’s really not fair.  Brad’s got dolla signs on his mind ya’ll.  Chanty has a silly little Pomeranian that Brad is treating like Nostradamus.  Chanty is really rocking her lispth tonight.  I hope everyone else heard it.  And I’ve always said, lispths do really well on thisth sthow.  As soon as B-Rabbit walks into Chanty’s parents’ house, I think we all know that she’ll be in the final two.  Wouldn’t you pick her as well???  Bradly does not appear to be an idiot.  He’s already thinking engagement…marriage…no prenupt…her parents fall in the pool and pass on…Chanty inherits all sorts of goodies…and Bradly gets to reap the benefits.  Can’t blame him I suppose.  I thought Chanty’s dad’s statue was quite interesting…it reminded me of Dodgeball where Ben Stiller has that beautiful painting of a man grabbing the bull by the horns.  Talk about inspiration.  Brad and Chanty’s dad then joke about how hard they had it growing up…. “Sooo Bradley, how much money do YOU have?”  “Well Mr. Chantal, I have $5 million…how much do YOU have??”  “Well B-Rabbit…we just have this measly $4 million house and a butler, private chef, and 2 nannies…oh and we have a private plane.”  Chanty just busted out the biggest lispth of the season when she was saying bye to Brad…I hope all of you readers out there heard it.  Unfortunately for all of us, I think preggers Chanty is getting the final rose. 

Carnie/Ashley – I really don’t have anything good to say about the circus girl so I’m going to keep it short and sweet.  Ashley is one of the few girls who have really opened up about her feelings.  Sure they seem to have a good connection and she seems to really like Brad, but she does not seem quite as far along as some of the other girls…even Emily.  Can anyone give me a clue as to why Brad would choose her over a number of the other girls?  I really think Brad just has an affinity for the carnival and he thinks that Carnley somehow has this magical ability to produce an infinite amount of tickets for games and carnival rides.  Oh and I wasn’t going to say anything bad, but Carnley stole my girl Shanwtel’s spot…so I have to say Carnley has chicklets and a 5-head.  And she's not even a real dentist...she's still in school.  That's like saying I was in the major leagues when I played pitching machine. There, I said it.  That’s it.

Shawntel – are you kidding me.  I am livid right now watching this.  Brad just chose Chanty over Shawntel and I’m about to act a fool.  First off…Shawnty looked beautiful…loved the ponytail.  She is such a classy lady.  I am so angry right now….I am never watching this show again………….until next week.  But I refuse to watch the Bachelor Pad unless……. Shawntel is on it…or if Molly Mesnick is on it.  Sure, Shawnty has a weird occupation and her date with Brad was basically at an indoor cemetery.  But who cares?  Plenty of our significant others have jobs that don’t interest us, but ya know what?  We still love them.  I’m a little disappointed in Brad’s manliness tonight – yes death is a hard thing to deal with, but shall we let it interfere with love?  Nay!  The fact that he feels more chemistry with the Carnie just makes me flabbergasted.  I strongly encourage everyone to visit www.bachelor.abc.com and submit your vote for Shawnty as the next Bachelorette.  You can also throw in a few good words for me for the next host’s position.  It’s been a long road to this point, and Shanwty has won over many of our hearts.  I think we all know that she’ll find someone out there who is as comfortable with embalming as she is. 

Emily – Oh Emily, two questions – how is your kid like 6 years old and still does not know how to talk?  And second…why in the heck is she still sucking her thumb???  That’s a big red flag and I hope Brad can see it.  Yessssss we all know Emily is a sweetie and a doll, but again, like I’ve told some of you – she is about as much fun as watching paint dry on a bump on a log.  I actually thought that tonight’s episode was one of her better ones, because she actually showed a LITTLE emotion near the end of their date.  She was actually a little upset with him, which was quite refreshing to see.  Up to this point, everything has just been hunky dory with little birds singing all around them.  And finally tonight, she acted a little miffed when Brad wouldn’t kiss her goodnight.  I still don’t think Brad is ready and willing to take on the battle of little Ricky Bobby…that’s a tough job and I don’t think Emily has quite given him enough security for him to risk it all and give her the final rose.  I do think she should beat out the Carnie next week…and if she doesn’t, then I will buy everyone tickets to Barnum Bailey’s Circus when it comes to town.

We’ve laughed, we’ve cried…we’ve smiled, we’ve frowned.  We’ve seen the world, and we’ve seen true love.  We’re nearing the end of our journey….and the best part about it is that when it’s all over….we get to watch The Women Tell All…perhaps the best episode all season.  So it aint over yet boys and girls.  Hold onto your leather chaps and handcuffs…we’re on the downhill slope and we’re heading straight on to a 10 car pile-up of LOVE.  This is the one ride where you’re allowed to unbuckle your seat belts and allow yourself to just….fall.  in.  love.  I love you Brad and Chris Harrison.

XOXO

The Bachelor Wizard

Anguilla, Bahama, C'mon Pretty Mama...

Oooooooooh Bachelor…how I love thee, let me count thy ways…on Valentine’s Day.  What a perfect end to Vday2K11.  Not only do I have a beautiful, brunette, brown eyed girl lying on the couch next to me (see picture above), but I also have another beautiful brunette on the other side of me who would not allow me to take her picture.  Just trust me in that she’s one beautiful Valentine.  We’ve finally had some warm weather move in (PS…I was at the dog park yesterday and the pond there was partially frozen.  Well, a golden retriever had kind of fallen off the ice into the water and was trying to climb back up onto the ice.  I was down there trying to coral Jeter Bug and I see this whole thing happening.  Now, before you start crying…the water was maybe 2.5 feet deep, and the dog was no more than 10 feet from the shore.  If necessary, I was ready to jump into the water to save this dang mutt…but I was praying I wouldn’t have to do that, so I was trying to coax the dog to forget the ice and just swim to shore.  Well, the owner wasn’t wasting any time…she jumped right in that freezing cold water, screaming at the dog and crying at the same time.  She got about thigh-deep, grabbed the dog and directed it to shore.  She then continued her screaming and crying all the way out of the water and yelled something like “This is exactly why my husband doesn’t bring our dog to THIS park!!!!” directly at me.  I quickly got out of her way in fear of getting cat-scratched.  She grunted at the dog in some demonic voice to “get over heeeere” as it was running around, and then that was the end of it.  She waddled her way, soaking wet, all the way to the car, dragging the dog by the collar. I just thought that was a good story to get us going). 

The boys and girls have been kidnapped and are taken captive to Anguilla…what a horrible journey this has been for them.  And then they’re going to be drug to South Africa next week, geeze.  Poor Chris Harrison.  Actually that would kind of suck to be on a plan for 18 hours and get 45 seconds of camera time.  But then again I’m sure he’s wiping his tears with $100 bills.  What a lovely island this is.  I’ve never been to Anguilla nor do I know many that have.  Perhaps I need to add it to my list….my list of Bachelor destinations that is.  Little does Kate know that all of the destinations we travel to are modeled after where Chris Harrison leaves his musk.  Looks like Anguilla and Costa Rica are the next two stops on the itinerary for us…

Surprise, surprise…..Bremily is going on the first one-on-one date.  And to all of our dismay, Emily starts out in her usual angelic yet boring fashion.  It seems like each date she goes on, it’s the same story…. “I really like Brad, I get so nervous around him, it’s scary, I’ve got a cute little southern accent, blah blah blah”.  It’s just sad to watch because you’ve got a 9.9 on the outside, and a 2.2 on the inside (personality wise).  Don’t get me wrong, she seems like an amazing girl that is sweeter than pie, but nobody wants sweet when you’re hanging out with a group of friends, or when you’re visiting your local haunted house at Halloween, or when you’re bored on a Tuesday night while playing baseball in Hawaii during the summer and getting with a group of college friends who are also staying in Hawaii for the summer and driving 1.5 hours across the island to a national wildlife park at midnight and sneaking into the park right underneath the security guard’s nose and hiking 2 miles into the park in the pitch black of night and then swimming in a bottomless pool underneath a 40 foot waterfall.  Nobody wants a sweetie in that situation!  You want an adventurous, outgoing, fun girl who’s willing to be right next to you the entire time.  The most personality we’ve seen was whenever she and Brad talked about meeting her daughter…that was when I feel like we saw a real side of her. 

Shawntel is awesome.  That’s all we need to say.  She clearly has the best personality out of the entire 6 girls who begin this episode.  She’s the most fun, she’s the most outgoing, and probably the most down-to-earth girl still left.  And let’s not forget she’s got a uniquely beautiful look.  If she doesn’t end up getting a ring in the end (which I currently don’t think she will), she has got to be one of the front runners for The Bachelorette.  And you know she’ll have my support.  Shawnty has a good ole fashioned, island style date with B-rad.  They walk the streets (certainly with body guards and guns hiding off camera), jump some rope, and play dominos with some local hoodlums.  Shawty (slang for Shorty) shows how fun she can be and how level headed she is by conversing and having fun with the locals.  Not many broads would be willing to do that.  Most would be complaining and wanting to go back to Vegas for another shopping spree.  They have a lovely dinner and then…....the RAIN comes down.  There’s nothing like kissing in the rain.  I’ve never done it but every time I see it happen on the Bach it looks just amazing and gives me butterflies.  When Brawntel ditch the Caribbean concert and hit the ocean for a swim, they just look right together.  There’s no drama between them, she doesn’t make him uncomfortable, she doesn’t annoy him, she doesn’t burden him…they don’t have to try, it just happens.  She’s just so darn cute and affectionate.  Love her.  And what’s better is she admitted to falling in love with Brad.  Please, please, please, please don’t let her stupid undertaker job get in the way of a ring Brad!!!  The preview for next week sure makes us think that his hometown meeting with her doesn’t go well, and Brad likes to use stupid things (like someone’s occupation) as an excuse as to why they wouldn’t work.  Let’s just hope that the producers are trying to pull a Philly fake-out on us with this preview business.  She’s far and away my #1. 

Oh Britt….Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt.  Not much else I can say.  Actually, there’s a lot I could say, but I’m not going to.  Yes, she’s a little sweetheart, very nice girl.  However it sure is unfortunate that someone like Jackie couldn’t be here in Anguilla.  I sure think she would’ve had a better chance than Britt at true love.  Ya sure, Jackie probably wasn’t going to get the ring, but again, it’s hard to think that Britt had a better chance than Jackie.  That’s the biggest disappointment about this whole deal.  It was so awkward seeing he and Britt have to interact, and then when he had to break the news to her, gosh it was like an 8th grade break up - we just didn't know how to act, do we hug?  Do we just walk away and not say anything?  Do we cry?  I'm not sure, and I don't think Britt or Brad knew either...other than for Brad to repeatedly tell her "watch your step".  And gosh she’s so dang skinny it hurts me.  I didn’t know you could be a food critic and not actually eat the food.  She has to start being more proactive in her career.  I think the writing was on the wall for poor Repunzel…Brad had no intentions of climbing up that mane of hair and giving her a rose. 

Chanty, the Carnie, and the Crazie join together on the group date.  I loved how B-rad started this one off.  It was great getting to see these “roses” actual in their dormant state.  I will say I thought Michelle looked prettier than I would’ve expected.  The Carnie was about as I expected…circus-ish.  I halfway expected her to have clown makeup on.  This group date was weird…not really the best atmosphere for taking multiple women out, but whatev.  Poor little Chanty is not feeling up for this date.  She’s just like me and has let her swimsuit body get away from her.  I think she looked fine (much better than Brit), but the other brunette next to me (not Bella) says she looks preggers.  I say she just had eaten an extremely large breakfast, give her a break.  They don’t have a treadmill in the Bachelor mansion.  Anyway, of all the things they could’ve done in Anguilla…they do a photo shoot.  Booooooooooooooring.  Snooze fest.  And not to mention they had to get up at 2 a.m. for this.  That sucks.  I thought they were going shark diving or something cool like that.  Basically the whole group date ended up being a sob fest for all 3 girls.  Michelle yet again shows us her stubborn, I’m-always-right side…even though she claimed to Brad, “I’ll be the first to admit whenever I’m wrong.”  She kept me on the edge of my seat waiting for her to admit that she had done some wrong things in the past few weeks…but alas it never came.  Chanty was as emotional as ever.  I really think Brad likes her a lot, and she’s obviously fallen for Bwad (speech impediment).  But Bwad also doesn’t really care for the roller coaster ride that sometimes she gets on.  She does schtill have the lischpth going for her though, so you never know. 

Ashley has sure flown under the radar in the past few weeks (no pun intended with her carnie height).  I think she clearly got the picture back when Brad pulled a 180 on the group date and changed his mind from giving her the rose that night to Brit (again…why her???).  She’s done the right thing though and laid low (no pun intended again).  The one thing that bugs me about her (in addition to the other 12 things) is she always seems to see the glass half empty.  She’s always worried about the bad stuff happening.  I guess it’s hard to avoid that mentality on this show, but c’mon, you’ve basically got about 2 months to show this guy how great of a person you are and how enjoyable you are to be around…quit filling his head with negative energy girl!!!  Actually, keep doing it…maybe next week will be the end for you.  Probably not though, I have a bad feeling that she ends up in the final two.  A very bad feeling.  I’m beginning to think that Brad has a secret affinity for the carnival that goes back to his childhood, there’s really no other explanation for her still being around.  Basically I think Ashley got their group rose because she gave him the smallest headache on their date.  Michelle is just a black hole, and Chanty has shed too many tears for one day.  So…why not, congrats Carnie!

Brad is such a bad boy.  First, he gives the producers the bird by informing Emily that she’s for sure getting a rose, then…he slashes the producers’ tires by dropping the cocktail party at the end of the episode because there’s no point.  Oh Bad, Bad Brad.  You naughty little boy.  I expect next episode to see him driving up on a Harley wearing leather chaps and a wife beater…with holes in it and a coffee stain or two on it.  That’s what I’m talking about.  That’s bad to the bone.  Ok, back to reality (yes, this show IS reality).  I really got a sense that Michelle was done for whenever Brad killed the cocktail time.  Basically, he didn’t want to have to argue with Michelle and listen to another one of her schpeels.  It’s as simple as that.  Britt had already been sent home, that was a no brainer.  So it basically was between Chanty and Michelle, those were the two that seemed to be on the fence for him.  I was so pumped with Shawty got her rose.  She rocks my socks!  Emily also receives her guaranteed rose, and she could end up in the final 3, but I still don’t see her getting the ring.  It’s just too difficult of a situation for Bad Brad to overcome.  And finally, it’s DONE.  Michelle goes bye bye.  And ya know, I’ll be honest, I think the time I liked her the most while on this show was while she was riding away in the limo after the show…simply because she was QUIET and didn’t drain the life out of me.  It was so refreshing not to have to hear some crazy idea come out of her mouth.  Just….peace….and….quiet.  Take notes my fellow ladies!!!

As I sit here and listen to one of the Glee soundtracks play on shuffle, I am reminded of what this day truly is about.  Today is not about chocolates, or bouquets of flowers, or jewelry.  Heck, it’s not even about the 17 teddy bears that I had sent to me today (16 of them by secret admirers, and almost all of them were from girls)….Nay…it’s about one, simple phrase – “Will you accept this rose?”  And my answer to that is….does Britt have high school prom hair?  YES!!!  Happy Valentine’s Day to all you little bachelorettes out there. 

XOXO

The Bachelor Wizard

Week 6 - Costa La Rica

Welllllllllllllllllll welllllllllllllll welllllllllllllllllll we FINALLY get a legit episode.  I’ve been waiting for this since the very first week.  This is the reason why we all love the Bachelor people.  This episode explains why we all take every Monday off of work to mentally prepare for this episode and go back and watch every single episode again just to refresh our memories……..ok so maybe I’m the only one who does that, but I know you all want to do it.  We’ve got drama, we’ve got tears, we’ve got an exotic location, we’ve got jaw drops, we’ve got OMG’s, we’ve got caves, and we’ve got dung beetles and vampire bats.  All of those ingredients make for a greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat episode.  I really think this was the first week when my jaw dropped genuinely.  I mean there have been a few weeks I dropped my jaw just for drama purposes and to make my wife think I was really into the action.  This was also the first week when I yelled and screamed at the TV immediately after he made his decisions at the rose ceremony.  But this week was different.  Michelle has diarrhea of the mouth and it showed this week more than ANY other week.  Emily is awesome, but I think we’re starting to see a……….(please don’t kill me) boring side of her???  As usual, Brad really cares for her, but once again, I feel like she’s making it clear that she’s got brick walls up around her that will have to be beaten down before she’s ready to say “I do”.  I honestly don’t think Brad is willing to do that.  He’s pretty old balls…and he’s ready to settle down (drama free, Michelle) ASAP.  Brad just got rid of Jackie….what an idiot.  This rose ceremony I think shows how much influence the producers have in these decisions.  CLEARLY Brad was so annoyed with Michelle and he was dang near about to pimp slap her.  But, of course, Michelle keeps us coming back watching each week… unfortunately Jackie wouldn’t.  But Jackie looked like my wife in some ways, and my wife is hot.  So yes – I liked Jackie.  She was a classy lady though and just wasn’t willing to slobberknock with Bradly too much. 

I love it how whenever The Bach has a serious montage of emotions spilling out from Brad as the camera is on him, they always show them (the bachelors) leaning out over a wall of some sort.  It’s like their call sign.  The best was Jason Mesnick when he crumpled over the ledge and started bawling.  Love you Molly.

Chantal gets the first one-on-one date, to Michelle’s dismay.  Michelle is so annoyed with Chanty, and it’s simply because she knows she is tough competition.  Notice how she never has a problem with Britt or Shawntel?  Because she doesn’t think they have a chance.  Brad tries to make it seem like there’s some question as to whether or not Chanty’s getting a rose.  We all know the truth.  It’s going to be her and Ashley at the end.  And if he picks that Carnie, I swear I’ll never watch this show again.  Ok, I take that back.  But you get the point.  Chanty and Brad hop on a helicopter and head to the jungle.  She’s admiring all the beautiful landscape and all the beautiful animals down on the ground below – even though we have cattle here in the U.S. She apparently doesn’t get to the country much.  Brantal finally make it up to the trees where they zip line.  Fun stuff…I’ve always wanted to do it.  I feel like it could get boring after riding it for about a minute though?  Unless you can like do tricks and stuff while riding it.  Some of you probably saw the video on my facebook profile of me snowboarding recently during the OK blizzard last week.  You’ll remember I busted a pretty sick trick off a home-made jump.  That’s the kind of date I like.  Anyway, Brantal’s date really wasn’t all that exciting, other than I think we see the strong connection that they have.  Sure it’s cute that Brad gives her his shirt, but who hasn’t pulled that number.  The real stuff comes during their conversation.  It sure seems like Brad is content with just being with her, wherever, whenever.  She’s a little up and down emotionally, but I think she’s probably said the right things on this date to put Brad at ease.  That lispth of herths sure isth paying off people!

Group date – Shawntel, Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Britt and Ashley get chosen for the next adventure.  Apparently the producers are going for whatever dates require the most unflattering outfits/equipment.  Those raincoats and helmets are hott.  Oh and big surprise everyone…Michelle is mad about something!!!  Who would have thought??  The only surprise here is that it doesn’t involve Chantal in some way.  But Shelly will make up for that later.  So all the ladies repel down this cliff…ya, cool, whatever.  And Michelle is mad because according to her, “Brad and I made a pact to never repel off anything ever again with anyone else.”……..ummmm, NOT TRUE shelly.  I re-watched episode 3 just to be sure, and I knew it – the pact they made specifically involved repelling off of buildings only.  I stare at contracts all day long, so yes, I knew there was a minor detail in there that Shelly was forgetting about.  The verbal/pinky agreement that she and Brad made does not apply in this scenario since the cliff is not man-made.  Apparently Shelly is an OSU grad and not from OU.  But we’ll try to look past that.  But as usual, Michelle is just draining us with her drama and her energy-killing statements.  She is a black hole of lifelessness.  Does anyone else notice it when Brad hugs Ashley right before she repels?  Yes, she came up to his belly button.  That’s a certified midget.  As Ashley is going down the cliff, all I can think about is The Princess Bride…. “She didn’t faaaaaaaall?  Inconceivable!”.  We don’t always get what we want though. 

They soon head to the hot springs, which I am jealous of.  I would rather have the hot springs than all those ladies.  Britt somehow sneaks in the interview room and gets a few seconds on camera.  I don’t know how she pulled that one off.  I didn’t know she had a voice actually.  Then poor Jackie blows her one-on-one time with Bradley.  She really needed to butter him up and let him know how she’s feeling, but she strikes out with small talk.  Next we have Michelle….surprise surprise….being mad about the other girls still being on the show.  Emily gets some alone time with Brad (cue the angelic music), and it just sucks because she’s saying all the things that most of the other girls were saying 2 or 3 weeks ago (I’m really starting to like you…I like hanging around you…blah blah).  It’s clear that Emily is a girl who needs to be courted for a year, not for 10 weeks.  So will Brad take a chance on her at the end and HOPE that she’s ready to move on?  I honestly don’t think he will.  I think he’s going to see too many red flags along the way. 

Next Michelle pulls out the shovel and begins digging her own grave, finally.  She’s been just kind of kicking the ground with her shoe the past few weeks, but tonight she actually puts the gloves on and starts hauling the dirt off by the dump truck.  All she can think about is Chantal and she just can’t believe that Chanty got a rose; OMG girl get over it.  It was cute at first…playing little games like this with Brad, but now he (and we) are all seeing how annoying you’d be as a wife.  First whichever friends you don’t like would have to go, next it would be being forced into a new job that you approved of, then you’d require his tubes be tied…it’s all downhill from there.   I think Bradly is not only seeing these signs, but he’s straight up getting annoyed and mad.  He’s trying to be polite, but let’s face it, he’s a male so his brain is naturally large which means he will be able to make wise decisions (most of the time).  He sees through all the glitz and glam.  The producers are having him keep her around for the drama.  Let’s just leave it at that.  Finally B throws us a curveball.  I’ve been waiting for this for a while.  I’ll tell you who was good at that – turtle neck Jake Pavelka.  He through curves, sliders, change ups…everything.  Too bad he was a square.  Brad has been very predictable until this point though.  I think he could have easily given the rose to one of the girls, but I liked that he didn’t.  It made them squirm a little which we need more of. 

Alli gets the other one-on-one date.  I won’t say much about this whole date, other than I think we all knew Brad was going to leave her inside the cave.  He threw us another curveball by actually bringing her out.  Brad shows up for the date on horseback.  Unfortunately he brought a mini-pony for Alli and she needs a dang Clydesdale.  She’s more jacked than he is.  Nice girl…just needs a really strong horse is all I’m saying.  I’m on a diet too right now, so I’m allowed to say that.  Once the producers finally convinced Brad to allow her to come out from the cave, they decided to let them have a dinner.  He doesn’t waste much time in explaining that there’s just not a connection between them.  I sure think he could have kept Marissa or Ashley S. around for one more week and gotten to know them better, but whatev.  As confident as I was that Chanty was getting a rose, I was more confident that Alli was NOT getting one.  Alli lasted much longer than she should have, so kudos to her for making something out of it. 

Wait, what’s this…Michelle is making a surprise appearance to Brad’s quarters.  And she finally wises up and decides to NOT talk about the other girls.  Oh wait, just kidding…she’s still up in arms that Chantal is around still.  What the heck goes through this girl’s mind?  I ask the same question about a number of people on my news feed, but that’s a different topic.  Michelle then goes ahead and gives him a list of the girls, in order, of who to eliminate.  Brad questions her ideas and she tries to back track and fix it by convoluting other ideas and words.  Michelle predicts that she and Ashley will be the final TWO.  If that happens, I will never watch this show again.  Seriously.  Ok, again not serious but whatever.  I will never visit the circus again, how about that!  That would be a horrible finale.  Brad clearly admits that Michelle pulls him in numerous directions and that he doesn’t like it, big surprise. 

At the rose ceremony, B is down in the dumps.  Poor guy.  He’s got these beautiful ladies drooling over him in Costa Rica (and heads to Anguilla in a few days).  This guy’s life just sucks.  Emily steals a few minutes with Brad and again just doesn’t provide much excitement for us as viewers/lovers.  Her dang accent sure reels me in, but that only lasts so many episodes.  Her way of expressing her emotions are just much more plain/vanilla than the other girls.  Maybe Brad understands that.  Shelly and Brad spend a few more minutes arguing, and she straight up tells Brad he’s wrong , “Brad…YOU asked me to (name the other girls who should go home)”.  She then pulls the typical girl exit strategy and starts crying, and hopefully Brad didn’t fall for it.  Michelle belongs back in that cave where Alli was taken.   Shawntel comes in and again makes me love her yet again.  She’s just a lot of fun and genuine.  She’s top notch wife material and she also has a passionate side as well.  I don’t feel like she’s going to be the final two, but she could go top four. 

Wilma Flinstone, I mean Chantal, pulls Brad aside and says IT….she shows us what this show is ALL about:  true, genuine, unrehearsed, authentic, from the heart LOVE.  It just doesn’t get any better than that people.  I bet the PETA people were mad that Chanty killed a jaguar there in Costa Rica in order to make her dress.  Poor cat.  As long as it wasn’t a German Shepherd.  Chris “the magic man/now you see me, now you don’t” Harrison makes a quick guest appearance on the show and reminds us that this pure bliss can’t last forever, only for 2 hours.  Darn you Magic Man, darn you. 

How in the world Britt is still on this show is beside me.  She’s a sweet girl, bless her heart, but I mean c’mon.   Along with Britt, Emily, Shawntel, Ashley and Michelle get roses.  The Lunatic (Michelle) and The Carnie (Ashley) should have been eliminated tonight, but they both could very well be in the final four with Emily and Chantal.  Tonight reminded us why we watch, why we laugh, why we cry, why we love.  Every rose has its thorns, but a thorny rose is still sweeter than poison ivy any day of the week.  Let that sink in during the next blizzard.  Next week looks to be just as juicy; hold on tight people, we’re on the ride of loooooooooooooove.

XOXO

The Bachelor Wizard

Week 5 - Viva La Bachelor

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegas!  And we’re off to Sin City for Week 5.  Our group of lovely ladies has now dwindled down to a much more intimate number.  We’re finally getting a better idea of what their personalities are like, and which ones are legit and which ones are “just another rose”.  As I sit here in my recliner, watching HGTV, and witnessing Blizzard2K11 just begin, I realize something – love is just like this snowstorm:  one day it’s warm and 75 degrees, and 2 days later it’s frigid, blustery, and pouring down frozen rain on us.  Most of you women out there will not understand what that means, so please ask the nearest male for an interpretation. 

So we’re in Vegas, where dreams come true….the city of love…the Big Apple.  Alli apparently has big plans for her and Brad to sneak off to a wedding chapel and get married.  Little does she know that Brad is keeping her around for the ABC network flag football game coming up in a few weeks.  Girl’s a beast.  They’re lodging at Aria, one of Vegas’ new high-rises.  I always enjoy these travel episodes so I can decide if it’s worth us checking out the locales.  I love Vegas, but I think I’ll hold out for their journey to Anguilla or Costa Rica instead…

Shawntel N – Shawntel the Embalmer receives the  one-on-one date with Brad in Vegas.  She gets a “shopping spree”, but she doesn't know that she only gets to “keep” these things for the life of the show.  What a bummer.  If Brad is any kind of normal guy, this had to be the worst possible start to a date ever.  NO guy wants to sit around and have to watch a girl try on clothes for hours…especially when he doesn’t care about any of the outfits and has to continuously lie and say “Oh my, that is gorgeous…you look amazing…”.  I get flustered when my lovely Bride even asks me which perfume she should wear.  Later on in the better part of the date (the actual food) Brad informs her that she’s the most beautiful funeral director he’s ever met…I hope she didn’t get too flattered by that.  How many funeral directors do you know?  I really like Shawnty and I think she and Brad make a lovely couple, but it was quite unfortunate that their entire date centered around her being a funeral director.  I’m scared that that could be the “best” part about her?   Whoever helped her with her hair for this date also needs to be punished (I assume it was probably Britt or Lisa who insisted on helping).  On a “connectivity scale” of 1 to 10…I give them a 7.5.  On a roseability scale (meaning the likelihood of getting that final rose) I give her a 8.2

The group date consists of Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt, and Michelle hitting the race tracks.  It makes you wonder how or why the producers chose a NASCAR race track for a date with Emily involved.  Really?  Are you just trying to make the girl break down?  Granted, Emily has been linked to Dale Earnhardt Jr…so perhaps she is “OK” with her past and really can move on.  I’ll say this – women should not be allowed to drive on normal streets, much less on a race track.  I have a serious problem with this date.  I’m assuming all of the girls “driving” was actually done in a simulator.  That’s the only explanation I can think of. 

Emily the Angel – so we all find it kind of hard to believe that Brad has no idea about Emily’s NASCAR connection, but whatever, we’ll still watch future episodes.  As usual, Emily tries to hide her pain and tries to be strong, but obviously the memories of NASCAR and Ricky Bobby (Talledega Nights) still affect her, and rightfully so.  Anyone would be emotional in her position, even myself…well maybe not me, but any female.  Brad takes her off to the “side” out into the pasture and they have a chat and get it all straightened out.  You can sense that some of the other girls are feeling slighted and we will see that later on.  Emily does mention how much she “misses Ricky” and how badly he always wanted her to drive a racecar, but she never would.  Later on, she and Brad have another personal conversation, and kind of a heart-to-heart, and even though I think Emily is making steps in the right direction to being able to love again, I think it’s still safe to say her history is going to prevent her from fully connecting with Bradley.  I give their connectivity a 9 since Brad is clearly infatuated with her, however her roseability is nowhere near that.  I don’t think there’s any chance she’s the last one standing.

Alli the Linebacker – Brad is annoyed on their group date.  If I have to listen to another one of these girls cry because they don’t feel special, I’m going to have Michelle give them a black eye.  She cries because Brad has spent too much time talking to Emily because “she has the worst story”.   What????????  Big mistake Alli the Enforcer!!!  Brad needs to be careful, one of these dates Alli is going to go AWOL and crack some skulls.  Fortunately, Brad picks up on this later on in the episode and gives her some individual attention.  He’s keeping her hungry though – he wants her to be fierce for the football game coming up soon.  I give their connectivity a 3.4 and roseability a -7

Side note - Brad’s swim trunks are shorter than my spandex shorts that I wear to the pool (see picture above).

Chantal the Crying Frontrunner - a/k/a Chanty (pronounced Shanty…like a wooden shack), I just realized something extremely IMPORTANT…..she has a slight LISTTTTTHHHHHHHPPPPPPPP!!!!  Now, why is this so important?  Becauthe the Bachelor lovths girlths with listhps….anyone remember Melitha Rycroft?????  You all tried to tell me that she DIDN’T have one, but we all know she did.  It was very sthlight, but she had one alright.  And granted, Jason didn’t end up marrying her, but he DID give her a ring right?  And what about Natalie Getzth?  Ya, you never listened for it on her, but she’th got one too, and she won Bachelor Pad.  So that’s the first great thing she has going for her.  The 2^nd thing is she’s saying a lot of the right things.  She’s emotional, but keeps it together just enough for Brad to not get annoyed.  She’s voluptuous and Brad likes it.  She’s also brunette which is another plusth for her.  BUT, near the end of the episode, she and Brad have a personal chat and Chantal states that she feels like she and Brad are “in a good place right now” and Brad straight up shrugged his shoulders and gave her a funny smirk.  So I’m not exactly sure what his thoughts are.  But I still give their connectivity an 8.7 and rosability a 9.3. 

Ashley the Dentist – she’s got 90’s pageant hair, and she’s a midget.  That’s why she enjoyed their first date at the carnival so much.  Why did Brad keep her????  If someone can give me a good reason I’ll give you one year’s worth of free teeth cleaning at wherever her dentist office is located.  This girl drives me nuts…I feel like she’s like a little mosquito that flies around your head, and then bites you and gives you West Nile.  Connectivity is at a 6.2, and roseability is an 8.5

Ashley the Nanny – She’s being a Debbie downer during their date.  I don’t know where she got her spoiled milk, but she sure is being negative Nancy.  Their date goes like this “Ashley…we’ve always had a connection, you’re so special.  Now, other Ashley…we’ve always had a connection.  Wait... I meant that for the other Ashley….what’s your last initial again?”  That must have been the most confusing date he’s ever been on.  But poor girl, I was really rooting for her over 5-Head Ashley the Dentist.  Nanny Ashley was way better than the Dentist.  The Dentist was unstable emotionally and she’s going to really kill their children’s chances to be taller than 5’5”…that’s something Brad needs to be thinking about.  Then again, if he’s looking ahead at kids, Alli is the best pick for NFL Linebackers.  But back to the Nanny…I hope the limo driver was sure to build her confidence back up, because she sure was beat to a pulp.  Ashely S sure did remind me of a good friend of mine – Andrea Evenson, now Keim.  And that was a good thing, because I liked Ashley S.  But…Andrea…I’m sorry hun, but it’s all over.  LYLAS girl.

Michelle “Let me tell you something” Money – anyone else notice she always “Let me tell you something”?  Well, at least this episode wasn’t dominated by MM.  Sure, she still got her camera time, but after all, she’s a paid actress, remember?  I can’t wait until her feature film comes out.  As the past few weeks entailed, Brad has to put out a lot of energy when dealing one-on-one with Michelle.  Michelle gives him a lot of riddles and puzzles and stuff that would just give me a headache.  After Michelle gives him a break from the headache of dealing with all the other girls on the group date, she takes him back for his weekly make-out session and he says “thanks”.  I think anytime you tell a girl “thanks” for making out with you, you typically don’t plan to marry that one.  I could be wrong though.

Britt the Mute– what in the heck????????  Is Brad wanting to go back to high school?  Because that’s what he’s getting Britt – a 1990’s gymnast!  How does she keep getting these roses?  I have a pretty good feeling she’s one of the girls who gets a one-on-one date in Anguilla with Brad in the future episodes, which means she has to make it pretty far.  I just don’t know what Brad sees (or hears) in her, when compares to Marissa or Lisa.  Neither of them spoke to Brad, but maybe he’s required to keep at least 1 blonde through a certain point on the show?  Their connectivity can’t be higher than a 5 but somehow I feel her roseability is about a 7…unfortunately.  I only follow my heart on these numbers. 

Marissa – Poor girl…way too little, way too late.  It was a nice gesture for her to give him the little sweet nothings, but after her initial good first impression, she went downhill like a sled on ice (in honor of the flurries we’re going to have tonight and tomorrow). 

Lisa – I think there is a rule that if you don’t say more than 4 words to the Bachelor on camera through 5 episodes, you automatically get cut.  I liked Lisa, she was a very pretty girl with sort of a rats-nest hairdo, but Britt could have helped out with that right?  I do hate to see these ladies get too upset…you’d think they wouldn’t be all that surprised?  But there’s always The Bachelor Pad, or Dating in the Dark. 

Jackie – well, I don’t have a nickname for her yet, but I’m working on it.  Jackie didn’t get a lot of camera time during this episode, but I think she’s ok.  She’s extremely genuine and compassionate, evidenced by her understanding of Emily’s situation.  I think she’s a sleeper here and I would love to see her in the top 3, but I don’t know if Brad and I are on the same wave length there…after all, he still kept Ashley the Midget, I mean Dentist.  I think they could have some really good connectivity, so I’ll give them a 7.8, but I think her roseability is probably lower, near a 7. 

Well, it appears Brad is now having to talk to his therapist after each time he sends a girl home.  How much does this therapist get paid, by the way?  Not a bad gig this guy’s got.  Also…what about Ashley the Dentist, or even Michelle, maybe getting together with the therapist???  Both of them are borderline crazy at times, I think they could really benefit from dating someone who can analyze their issues and digest them in a healthy fashion.  According to Brad, he learned that “strength and vulnerability can co-exist” from the therapist…I need to write that down, I could see that in a greeting card someday.  We’re down to NINE ladies everybody!  Where has the time flown?  The best is yet to come.  We’ve got some amazing destinations, some passionate dates, and guaranteed many more sob fests to come.  So buckle up, because the magic carpet ride to LOVE is just getting started.  No offense to any Middle Easterners.

XOXO

The Bachelor Wzithard