Valentine’s Day has come and gone, many of our hearts were filled with love, and many of our hearts were crushed like a walnut….including mine when all I received for Valentine’s Day was a cookie from City Bites. And ya, it was a delicious peanut-butter swirl cookie, but it was nothing compared to the sour patch kids, hot tamales, Homeland flowers and Glee soundtrack that my mistress received. Not much compares to that. Try not to be jealous ladies. And gentlemen….please take notes. B-Rabbit has to take the death leap and visit the girls’ hometowns and families. These meetings can be great, but they can also be really awkward and make for some great TV. Nothing too crazy happened this week, other than Brad acting like a baby at the mausoleum and then Emily’s kid being your typical kill-joy! Dang kids. I was just waiting for Brad to take her behind a tree in the park and warm her backside and give her something to be mute about. Finally, she really opened up and muttered two words later on. I would like to take this opportunity to wish Jason and Molly Mesnick a happy 1 year anniversary that they just celebrated. I really liked Jason, and Molly was probably my favorite bachelor contestant ever…so it just warms my heart to see them still happy. And I know they will be reading this, so congrats you two crazy lovebirds.
Chantal – well, is it really hard to decide who Brad’s going to pick now??? I mean c’mon. It’s really not fair. Brad’s got dolla signs on his mind ya’ll. Chanty has a silly little Pomeranian that Brad is treating like Nostradamus. Chanty is really rocking her lispth tonight. I hope everyone else heard it. And I’ve always said, lispths do really well on thisth sthow. As soon as B-Rabbit walks into Chanty’s parents’ house, I think we all know that she’ll be in the final two. Wouldn’t you pick her as well??? Bradly does not appear to be an idiot. He’s already thinking engagement…marriage…no prenupt…her parents fall in the pool and pass on…Chanty inherits all sorts of goodies…and Bradly gets to reap the benefits. Can’t blame him I suppose. I thought Chanty’s dad’s statue was quite interesting…it reminded me of Dodgeball where Ben Stiller has that beautiful painting of a man grabbing the bull by the horns. Talk about inspiration. Brad and Chanty’s dad then joke about how hard they had it growing up…. “Sooo Bradley, how much money do YOU have?” “Well Mr. Chantal, I have $5 million…how much do YOU have??” “Well B-Rabbit…we just have this measly $4 million house and a butler, private chef, and 2 nannies…oh and we have a private plane.” Chanty just busted out the biggest lispth of the season when she was saying bye to Brad…I hope all of you readers out there heard it. Unfortunately for all of us, I think preggers Chanty is getting the final rose.
Carnie/Ashley – I really don’t have anything good to say about the circus girl so I’m going to keep it short and sweet. Ashley is one of the few girls who have really opened up about her feelings. Sure they seem to have a good connection and she seems to really like Brad, but she does not seem quite as far along as some of the other girls…even Emily. Can anyone give me a clue as to why Brad would choose her over a number of the other girls? I really think Brad just has an affinity for the carnival and he thinks that Carnley somehow has this magical ability to produce an infinite amount of tickets for games and carnival rides. Oh and I wasn’t going to say anything bad, but Carnley stole my girl Shanwtel’s spot…so I have to say Carnley has chicklets and a 5-head. And she's not even a real dentist...she's still in school. That's like saying I was in the major leagues when I played pitching machine. There, I said it. That’s it.
Shawntel – are you kidding me. I am livid right now watching this. Brad just chose Chanty over Shawntel and I’m about to act a fool. First off…Shawnty looked beautiful…loved the ponytail. She is such a classy lady. I am so angry right now….I am never watching this show again………….until next week. But I refuse to watch the Bachelor Pad unless……. Shawntel is on it…or if Molly Mesnick is on it. Sure, Shawnty has a weird occupation and her date with Brad was basically at an indoor cemetery. But who cares? Plenty of our significant others have jobs that don’t interest us, but ya know what? We still love them. I’m a little disappointed in Brad’s manliness tonight – yes death is a hard thing to deal with, but shall we let it interfere with love? Nay! The fact that he feels more chemistry with the Carnie just makes me flabbergasted. I strongly encourage everyone to visit www.bachelor.abc.com and submit your vote for Shawnty as the next Bachelorette. You can also throw in a few good words for me for the next host’s position. It’s been a long road to this point, and Shanwty has won over many of our hearts. I think we all know that she’ll find someone out there who is as comfortable with embalming as she is.
Emily – Oh Emily, two questions – how is your kid like 6 years old and still does not know how to talk? And second…why in the heck is she still sucking her thumb??? That’s a big red flag and I hope Brad can see it. Yessssss we all know Emily is a sweetie and a doll, but again, like I’ve told some of you – she is about as much fun as watching paint dry on a bump on a log. I actually thought that tonight’s episode was one of her better ones, because she actually showed a LITTLE emotion near the end of their date. She was actually a little upset with him, which was quite refreshing to see. Up to this point, everything has just been hunky dory with little birds singing all around them. And finally tonight, she acted a little miffed when Brad wouldn’t kiss her goodnight. I still don’t think Brad is ready and willing to take on the battle of little Ricky Bobby…that’s a tough job and I don’t think Emily has quite given him enough security for him to risk it all and give her the final rose. I do think she should beat out the Carnie next week…and if she doesn’t, then I will buy everyone tickets to Barnum Bailey’s Circus when it comes to town.
We’ve laughed, we’ve cried…we’ve smiled, we’ve frowned. We’ve seen the world, and we’ve seen true love. We’re nearing the end of our journey….and the best part about it is that when it’s all over….we get to watch The Women Tell All…perhaps the best episode all season. So it aint over yet boys and girls. Hold onto your leather chaps and handcuffs…we’re on the downhill slope and we’re heading straight on to a 10 car pile-up of LOVE. This is the one ride where you’re allowed to unbuckle your seat belts and allow yourself to just….fall. in. love. I love you Brad and Chris Harrison.
XOXO
The Bachelor Wizard
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