Welllllllllllllllllll welllllllllllllll welllllllllllllllllll we FINALLY get a legit episode. I’ve been waiting for this since the very first week. This is the reason why we all love the Bachelor people. This episode explains why we all take every Monday off of work to mentally prepare for this episode and go back and watch every single episode again just to refresh our memories……..ok so maybe I’m the only one who does that, but I know you all want to do it. We’ve got drama, we’ve got tears, we’ve got an exotic location, we’ve got jaw drops, we’ve got OMG’s, we’ve got caves, and we’ve got dung beetles and vampire bats. All of those ingredients make for a greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat episode. I really think this was the first week when my jaw dropped genuinely. I mean there have been a few weeks I dropped my jaw just for drama purposes and to make my wife think I was really into the action. This was also the first week when I yelled and screamed at the TV immediately after he made his decisions at the rose ceremony. But this week was different. Michelle has diarrhea of the mouth and it showed this week more than ANY other week. Emily is awesome, but I think we’re starting to see a……….(please don’t kill me) boring side of her??? As usual, Brad really cares for her, but once again, I feel like she’s making it clear that she’s got brick walls up around her that will have to be beaten down before she’s ready to say “I do”. I honestly don’t think Brad is willing to do that. He’s pretty old balls…and he’s ready to settle down (drama free, Michelle) ASAP. Brad just got rid of Jackie….what an idiot. This rose ceremony I think shows how much influence the producers have in these decisions. CLEARLY Brad was so annoyed with Michelle and he was dang near about to pimp slap her. But, of course, Michelle keeps us coming back watching each week… unfortunately Jackie wouldn’t. But Jackie looked like my wife in some ways, and my wife is hot. So yes – I liked Jackie. She was a classy lady though and just wasn’t willing to slobberknock with Bradly too much.
I love it how whenever The Bach has a serious montage of emotions spilling out from Brad as the camera is on him, they always show them (the bachelors) leaning out over a wall of some sort. It’s like their call sign. The best was Jason Mesnick when he crumpled over the ledge and started bawling. Love you Molly.
Chantal gets the first one-on-one date, to Michelle’s dismay. Michelle is so annoyed with Chanty, and it’s simply because she knows she is tough competition. Notice how she never has a problem with Britt or Shawntel? Because she doesn’t think they have a chance. Brad tries to make it seem like there’s some question as to whether or not Chanty’s getting a rose. We all know the truth. It’s going to be her and Ashley at the end. And if he picks that Carnie, I swear I’ll never watch this show again. Ok, I take that back. But you get the point. Chanty and Brad hop on a helicopter and head to the jungle. She’s admiring all the beautiful landscape and all the beautiful animals down on the ground below – even though we have cattle here in the U.S. She apparently doesn’t get to the country much. Brantal finally make it up to the trees where they zip line. Fun stuff…I’ve always wanted to do it. I feel like it could get boring after riding it for about a minute though? Unless you can like do tricks and stuff while riding it. Some of you probably saw the video on my facebook profile of me snowboarding recently during the OK blizzard last week. You’ll remember I busted a pretty sick trick off a home-made jump. That’s the kind of date I like. Anyway, Brantal’s date really wasn’t all that exciting, other than I think we see the strong connection that they have. Sure it’s cute that Brad gives her his shirt, but who hasn’t pulled that number. The real stuff comes during their conversation. It sure seems like Brad is content with just being with her, wherever, whenever. She’s a little up and down emotionally, but I think she’s probably said the right things on this date to put Brad at ease. That lispth of herths sure isth paying off people!
Group date – Shawntel, Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Britt and Ashley get chosen for the next adventure. Apparently the producers are going for whatever dates require the most unflattering outfits/equipment. Those raincoats and helmets are hott. Oh and big surprise everyone…Michelle is mad about something!!! Who would have thought?? The only surprise here is that it doesn’t involve Chantal in some way. But Shelly will make up for that later. So all the ladies repel down this cliff…ya, cool, whatever. And Michelle is mad because according to her, “Brad and I made a pact to never repel off anything ever again with anyone else.”……..ummmm, NOT TRUE shelly. I re-watched episode 3 just to be sure, and I knew it – the pact they made specifically involved repelling off of buildings only. I stare at contracts all day long, so yes, I knew there was a minor detail in there that Shelly was forgetting about. The verbal/pinky agreement that she and Brad made does not apply in this scenario since the cliff is not man-made. Apparently Shelly is an OSU grad and not from OU. But we’ll try to look past that. But as usual, Michelle is just draining us with her drama and her energy-killing statements. She is a black hole of lifelessness. Does anyone else notice it when Brad hugs Ashley right before she repels? Yes, she came up to his belly button. That’s a certified midget. As Ashley is going down the cliff, all I can think about is The Princess Bride…. “She didn’t faaaaaaaall? Inconceivable!”. We don’t always get what we want though.
They soon head to the hot springs, which I am jealous of. I would rather have the hot springs than all those ladies. Britt somehow sneaks in the interview room and gets a few seconds on camera. I don’t know how she pulled that one off. I didn’t know she had a voice actually. Then poor Jackie blows her one-on-one time with Bradley. She really needed to butter him up and let him know how she’s feeling, but she strikes out with small talk. Next we have Michelle….surprise surprise….being mad about the other girls still being on the show. Emily gets some alone time with Brad (cue the angelic music), and it just sucks because she’s saying all the things that most of the other girls were saying 2 or 3 weeks ago (I’m really starting to like you…I like hanging around you…blah blah). It’s clear that Emily is a girl who needs to be courted for a year, not for 10 weeks. So will Brad take a chance on her at the end and HOPE that she’s ready to move on? I honestly don’t think he will. I think he’s going to see too many red flags along the way.
Next Michelle pulls out the shovel and begins digging her own grave, finally. She’s been just kind of kicking the ground with her shoe the past few weeks, but tonight she actually puts the gloves on and starts hauling the dirt off by the dump truck. All she can think about is Chantal and she just can’t believe that Chanty got a rose; OMG girl get over it. It was cute at first…playing little games like this with Brad, but now he (and we) are all seeing how annoying you’d be as a wife. First whichever friends you don’t like would have to go, next it would be being forced into a new job that you approved of, then you’d require his tubes be tied…it’s all downhill from there. I think Bradly is not only seeing these signs, but he’s straight up getting annoyed and mad. He’s trying to be polite, but let’s face it, he’s a male so his brain is naturally large which means he will be able to make wise decisions (most of the time). He sees through all the glitz and glam. The producers are having him keep her around for the drama. Let’s just leave it at that. Finally B throws us a curveball. I’ve been waiting for this for a while. I’ll tell you who was good at that – turtle neck Jake Pavelka. He through curves, sliders, change ups…everything. Too bad he was a square. Brad has been very predictable until this point though. I think he could have easily given the rose to one of the girls, but I liked that he didn’t. It made them squirm a little which we need more of.
Alli gets the other one-on-one date. I won’t say much about this whole date, other than I think we all knew Brad was going to leave her inside the cave. He threw us another curveball by actually bringing her out. Brad shows up for the date on horseback. Unfortunately he brought a mini-pony for Alli and she needs a dang Clydesdale. She’s more jacked than he is. Nice girl…just needs a really strong horse is all I’m saying. I’m on a diet too right now, so I’m allowed to say that. Once the producers finally convinced Brad to allow her to come out from the cave, they decided to let them have a dinner. He doesn’t waste much time in explaining that there’s just not a connection between them. I sure think he could have kept Marissa or Ashley S. around for one more week and gotten to know them better, but whatev. As confident as I was that Chanty was getting a rose, I was more confident that Alli was NOT getting one. Alli lasted much longer than she should have, so kudos to her for making something out of it.
Wait, what’s this…Michelle is making a surprise appearance to Brad’s quarters. And she finally wises up and decides to NOT talk about the other girls. Oh wait, just kidding…she’s still up in arms that Chantal is around still. What the heck goes through this girl’s mind? I ask the same question about a number of people on my news feed, but that’s a different topic. Michelle then goes ahead and gives him a list of the girls, in order, of who to eliminate. Brad questions her ideas and she tries to back track and fix it by convoluting other ideas and words. Michelle predicts that she and Ashley will be the final TWO. If that happens, I will never watch this show again. Seriously. Ok, again not serious but whatever. I will never visit the circus again, how about that! That would be a horrible finale. Brad clearly admits that Michelle pulls him in numerous directions and that he doesn’t like it, big surprise.
At the rose ceremony, B is down in the dumps. Poor guy. He’s got these beautiful ladies drooling over him in Costa Rica (and heads to Anguilla in a few days). This guy’s life just sucks. Emily steals a few minutes with Brad and again just doesn’t provide much excitement for us as viewers/lovers. Her dang accent sure reels me in, but that only lasts so many episodes. Her way of expressing her emotions are just much more plain/vanilla than the other girls. Maybe Brad understands that. Shelly and Brad spend a few more minutes arguing, and she straight up tells Brad he’s wrong , “Brad…YOU asked me to (name the other girls who should go home)”. She then pulls the typical girl exit strategy and starts crying, and hopefully Brad didn’t fall for it. Michelle belongs back in that cave where Alli was taken. Shawntel comes in and again makes me love her yet again. She’s just a lot of fun and genuine. She’s top notch wife material and she also has a passionate side as well. I don’t feel like she’s going to be the final two, but she could go top four.
Wilma Flinstone, I mean Chantal, pulls Brad aside and says IT….she shows us what this show is ALL about: true, genuine, unrehearsed, authentic, from the heart LOVE. It just doesn’t get any better than that people. I bet the PETA people were mad that Chanty killed a jaguar there in Costa Rica in order to make her dress. Poor cat. As long as it wasn’t a German Shepherd. Chris “the magic man/now you see me, now you don’t” Harrison makes a quick guest appearance on the show and reminds us that this pure bliss can’t last forever, only for 2 hours. Darn you Magic Man, darn you.
How in the world Britt is still on this show is beside me. She’s a sweet girl, bless her heart, but I mean c’mon. Along with Britt, Emily, Shawntel, Ashley and Michelle get roses. The Lunatic (Michelle) and The Carnie (Ashley) should have been eliminated tonight, but they both could very well be in the final four with Emily and Chantal. Tonight reminded us why we watch, why we laugh, why we cry, why we love. Every rose has its thorns, but a thorny rose is still sweeter than poison ivy any day of the week. Let that sink in during the next blizzard. Next week looks to be just as juicy; hold on tight people, we’re on the ride of loooooooooooooove.
XOXO
The Bachelor Wizard
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