Week 5 - Viva La Bachelor

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegas!  And we’re off to Sin City for Week 5.  Our group of lovely ladies has now dwindled down to a much more intimate number.  We’re finally getting a better idea of what their personalities are like, and which ones are legit and which ones are “just another rose”.  As I sit here in my recliner, watching HGTV, and witnessing Blizzard2K11 just begin, I realize something – love is just like this snowstorm:  one day it’s warm and 75 degrees, and 2 days later it’s frigid, blustery, and pouring down frozen rain on us.  Most of you women out there will not understand what that means, so please ask the nearest male for an interpretation. 

So we’re in Vegas, where dreams come true….the city of love…the Big Apple.  Alli apparently has big plans for her and Brad to sneak off to a wedding chapel and get married.  Little does she know that Brad is keeping her around for the ABC network flag football game coming up in a few weeks.  Girl’s a beast.  They’re lodging at Aria, one of Vegas’ new high-rises.  I always enjoy these travel episodes so I can decide if it’s worth us checking out the locales.  I love Vegas, but I think I’ll hold out for their journey to Anguilla or Costa Rica instead…

Shawntel N – Shawntel the Embalmer receives the  one-on-one date with Brad in Vegas.  She gets a “shopping spree”, but she doesn't know that she only gets to “keep” these things for the life of the show.  What a bummer.  If Brad is any kind of normal guy, this had to be the worst possible start to a date ever.  NO guy wants to sit around and have to watch a girl try on clothes for hours…especially when he doesn’t care about any of the outfits and has to continuously lie and say “Oh my, that is gorgeous…you look amazing…”.  I get flustered when my lovely Bride even asks me which perfume she should wear.  Later on in the better part of the date (the actual food) Brad informs her that she’s the most beautiful funeral director he’s ever met…I hope she didn’t get too flattered by that.  How many funeral directors do you know?  I really like Shawnty and I think she and Brad make a lovely couple, but it was quite unfortunate that their entire date centered around her being a funeral director.  I’m scared that that could be the “best” part about her?   Whoever helped her with her hair for this date also needs to be punished (I assume it was probably Britt or Lisa who insisted on helping).  On a “connectivity scale” of 1 to 10…I give them a 7.5.  On a roseability scale (meaning the likelihood of getting that final rose) I give her a 8.2

The group date consists of Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt, and Michelle hitting the race tracks.  It makes you wonder how or why the producers chose a NASCAR race track for a date with Emily involved.  Really?  Are you just trying to make the girl break down?  Granted, Emily has been linked to Dale Earnhardt Jr…so perhaps she is “OK” with her past and really can move on.  I’ll say this – women should not be allowed to drive on normal streets, much less on a race track.  I have a serious problem with this date.  I’m assuming all of the girls “driving” was actually done in a simulator.  That’s the only explanation I can think of. 

Emily the Angel – so we all find it kind of hard to believe that Brad has no idea about Emily’s NASCAR connection, but whatever, we’ll still watch future episodes.  As usual, Emily tries to hide her pain and tries to be strong, but obviously the memories of NASCAR and Ricky Bobby (Talledega Nights) still affect her, and rightfully so.  Anyone would be emotional in her position, even myself…well maybe not me, but any female.  Brad takes her off to the “side” out into the pasture and they have a chat and get it all straightened out.  You can sense that some of the other girls are feeling slighted and we will see that later on.  Emily does mention how much she “misses Ricky” and how badly he always wanted her to drive a racecar, but she never would.  Later on, she and Brad have another personal conversation, and kind of a heart-to-heart, and even though I think Emily is making steps in the right direction to being able to love again, I think it’s still safe to say her history is going to prevent her from fully connecting with Bradley.  I give their connectivity a 9 since Brad is clearly infatuated with her, however her roseability is nowhere near that.  I don’t think there’s any chance she’s the last one standing.

Alli the Linebacker – Brad is annoyed on their group date.  If I have to listen to another one of these girls cry because they don’t feel special, I’m going to have Michelle give them a black eye.  She cries because Brad has spent too much time talking to Emily because “she has the worst story”.   What????????  Big mistake Alli the Enforcer!!!  Brad needs to be careful, one of these dates Alli is going to go AWOL and crack some skulls.  Fortunately, Brad picks up on this later on in the episode and gives her some individual attention.  He’s keeping her hungry though – he wants her to be fierce for the football game coming up soon.  I give their connectivity a 3.4 and roseability a -7

Side note - Brad’s swim trunks are shorter than my spandex shorts that I wear to the pool (see picture above).

Chantal the Crying Frontrunner - a/k/a Chanty (pronounced Shanty…like a wooden shack), I just realized something extremely IMPORTANT…..she has a slight LISTTTTTHHHHHHHPPPPPPPP!!!!  Now, why is this so important?  Becauthe the Bachelor lovths girlths with listhps….anyone remember Melitha Rycroft?????  You all tried to tell me that she DIDN’T have one, but we all know she did.  It was very sthlight, but she had one alright.  And granted, Jason didn’t end up marrying her, but he DID give her a ring right?  And what about Natalie Getzth?  Ya, you never listened for it on her, but she’th got one too, and she won Bachelor Pad.  So that’s the first great thing she has going for her.  The 2^nd thing is she’s saying a lot of the right things.  She’s emotional, but keeps it together just enough for Brad to not get annoyed.  She’s voluptuous and Brad likes it.  She’s also brunette which is another plusth for her.  BUT, near the end of the episode, she and Brad have a personal chat and Chantal states that she feels like she and Brad are “in a good place right now” and Brad straight up shrugged his shoulders and gave her a funny smirk.  So I’m not exactly sure what his thoughts are.  But I still give their connectivity an 8.7 and rosability a 9.3. 

Ashley the Dentist – she’s got 90’s pageant hair, and she’s a midget.  That’s why she enjoyed their first date at the carnival so much.  Why did Brad keep her????  If someone can give me a good reason I’ll give you one year’s worth of free teeth cleaning at wherever her dentist office is located.  This girl drives me nuts…I feel like she’s like a little mosquito that flies around your head, and then bites you and gives you West Nile.  Connectivity is at a 6.2, and roseability is an 8.5

Ashley the Nanny – She’s being a Debbie downer during their date.  I don’t know where she got her spoiled milk, but she sure is being negative Nancy.  Their date goes like this “Ashley…we’ve always had a connection, you’re so special.  Now, other Ashley…we’ve always had a connection.  Wait... I meant that for the other Ashley….what’s your last initial again?”  That must have been the most confusing date he’s ever been on.  But poor girl, I was really rooting for her over 5-Head Ashley the Dentist.  Nanny Ashley was way better than the Dentist.  The Dentist was unstable emotionally and she’s going to really kill their children’s chances to be taller than 5’5”…that’s something Brad needs to be thinking about.  Then again, if he’s looking ahead at kids, Alli is the best pick for NFL Linebackers.  But back to the Nanny…I hope the limo driver was sure to build her confidence back up, because she sure was beat to a pulp.  Ashely S sure did remind me of a good friend of mine – Andrea Evenson, now Keim.  And that was a good thing, because I liked Ashley S.  But…Andrea…I’m sorry hun, but it’s all over.  LYLAS girl.

Michelle “Let me tell you something” Money – anyone else notice she always “Let me tell you something”?  Well, at least this episode wasn’t dominated by MM.  Sure, she still got her camera time, but after all, she’s a paid actress, remember?  I can’t wait until her feature film comes out.  As the past few weeks entailed, Brad has to put out a lot of energy when dealing one-on-one with Michelle.  Michelle gives him a lot of riddles and puzzles and stuff that would just give me a headache.  After Michelle gives him a break from the headache of dealing with all the other girls on the group date, she takes him back for his weekly make-out session and he says “thanks”.  I think anytime you tell a girl “thanks” for making out with you, you typically don’t plan to marry that one.  I could be wrong though.

Britt the Mute– what in the heck????????  Is Brad wanting to go back to high school?  Because that’s what he’s getting Britt – a 1990’s gymnast!  How does she keep getting these roses?  I have a pretty good feeling she’s one of the girls who gets a one-on-one date in Anguilla with Brad in the future episodes, which means she has to make it pretty far.  I just don’t know what Brad sees (or hears) in her, when compares to Marissa or Lisa.  Neither of them spoke to Brad, but maybe he’s required to keep at least 1 blonde through a certain point on the show?  Their connectivity can’t be higher than a 5 but somehow I feel her roseability is about a 7…unfortunately.  I only follow my heart on these numbers. 

Marissa – Poor girl…way too little, way too late.  It was a nice gesture for her to give him the little sweet nothings, but after her initial good first impression, she went downhill like a sled on ice (in honor of the flurries we’re going to have tonight and tomorrow). 

Lisa – I think there is a rule that if you don’t say more than 4 words to the Bachelor on camera through 5 episodes, you automatically get cut.  I liked Lisa, she was a very pretty girl with sort of a rats-nest hairdo, but Britt could have helped out with that right?  I do hate to see these ladies get too upset…you’d think they wouldn’t be all that surprised?  But there’s always The Bachelor Pad, or Dating in the Dark. 

Jackie – well, I don’t have a nickname for her yet, but I’m working on it.  Jackie didn’t get a lot of camera time during this episode, but I think she’s ok.  She’s extremely genuine and compassionate, evidenced by her understanding of Emily’s situation.  I think she’s a sleeper here and I would love to see her in the top 3, but I don’t know if Brad and I are on the same wave length there…after all, he still kept Ashley the Midget, I mean Dentist.  I think they could have some really good connectivity, so I’ll give them a 7.8, but I think her roseability is probably lower, near a 7. 

Well, it appears Brad is now having to talk to his therapist after each time he sends a girl home.  How much does this therapist get paid, by the way?  Not a bad gig this guy’s got.  Also…what about Ashley the Dentist, or even Michelle, maybe getting together with the therapist???  Both of them are borderline crazy at times, I think they could really benefit from dating someone who can analyze their issues and digest them in a healthy fashion.  According to Brad, he learned that “strength and vulnerability can co-exist” from the therapist…I need to write that down, I could see that in a greeting card someday.  We’re down to NINE ladies everybody!  Where has the time flown?  The best is yet to come.  We’ve got some amazing destinations, some passionate dates, and guaranteed many more sob fests to come.  So buckle up, because the magic carpet ride to LOVE is just getting started.  No offense to any Middle Easterners.

XOXO

The Bachelor Wzithard

Week 4 – Michelle is an Emotional Rollercoaster who sucks the life out of you like an annoying Leach

Well, we’ve made it another week everybody.  We’re approaching the most romantic day of the year (Super Bowl Sunday) and relationships are created anew all over the world.    We’ve got 14 girls left and 3 of them are heading home at the end of the episode.  Who will it be????????  Well it ends up being Lindsey, Meghan and Stacey.  Stacey was probably the bigger surprise of the three, but none were shocking.  I don’t think we can blame him for making his decisions tonight, other than to keep Ashley H – sorry, just not a big fan.  I was hoping she’d get tossed, but to no avail.  The Group Date was pretty boring…not much excitement took place at the radio station.  What would have been awesome would have been if they gave Brad lie detector tests.  Now THAT would have been some good TV.  There would have been some good fireworks.  The best part about the group date was when Brad was giving out the rose at the hot tub, and he pulled a 180 and changed his mind on his choice.  Thank God he did.

Chantal got the one-on-one date, along with Michelle.  These two are becoming each others’ nemesis.  I’d like to see them get into a fist fight.  My money is on Chanty, even though Michelle’s last name is Money.  Even when Emily doesn’t get a date or doesn’t get much camera time, she still seems to steal the spotlight.  Bradley showed us how much he cares about her by setting up some personal time with her at the rose ceremony.  That shows true love.  But next week we will get to see a “valley” between BrEmily and we will see how they overcome it.  I’m anxious to see how Em keeps it together at the racetrack. 

Michelle – Obviously Shelly is doing something right because she somehow always ends up at the top of my blog.  She far and away gets the most camera time, which is smart and annoying at the same time.  I feel like I keep hearing the same things come out of her mouth over and over.  Last week I suggested that Michelle could possibly be some actress that the producers are keeping around for drama.  Well, here is the link to Michelle’s new hit movie…trust me, she’s going to win a Dundie (Office fans):  http://starcasm.net/archives/80602 .  No, I wasn’t joking…she’s actually in a movie...maybe that’s where she got her black eye??  I thought it was pretty funny when Chantal made her paranoid about her date invitation not having “love” in it.  It shows the feistiness between Chanty and Shelly, not to mention when Chanty called her out for complaining about Ashley and Brad talking before her date.  I’m feeling more and more that Brad knows Michelle is not wife material.  I think he’s keeping her around as eye candy, and she’s probably fun for him to be around, but he seems actually less attached to her than to some of the others.  I thought for a second that Brad was going to reach over with a knife when they were repelling and accidentally cut her rope, but no such luck.

Ashley H – Whacko #2 who can’t keep it together.  Didn’t any of these girls date the same guy at the same time in elementary school???  I mean c’mon, I had 3 girlfriends at the same time in 4^th grade when I first moved here from Florida….couldn’t keep the ladies off of me (still can’t).  I absolutely loved how Bradley changed his mind in giving her the rose on the group date.  It really looked like he was planning on giving it to her, even with her 5-head and her emotional issues she displayed during their personal talk, but as soon as her Tourettes kicked in when Brad appeared with the rose at the hot-tub, he realized he had to go with Plan B – Britt.  There was a reason he took Ashley H to the circus on their one-on-one date…she’s a carnie (small hands…they smell like cabbage).  The only bad sign is that he actually took time to reconcile with her the next day after the group date drama.  That means he probably really likes her…no good.  How about when she stalks up on Brad and Britt as they’re smooching?  What is she, a magician?  The little carnie came out of nowhere. 

Chantal – well, I never thought I’d see a date at the bottom of the ocean, even if it was 40 feet off of shore and at 8 feet deep.  Chanty was sooooooooo scared about going into the shark/sea weed infested waters, and with good reason.  There’s only 9 producers and 7 lifeguards waiting in the boat in case something happens in the 8 ft water.  I was thinking that the only thing that could make their date more romantic would be if Brad and Chanty kissed with their helmets still on….well, Bradley took care of that one.  The only thing that would have been better was if their globes would have cracked.  Now the ONLY other date that the Bachelor can come up with is going to be ON THE MOON.  That is going to come next season apparently…………….. “one small step for the Bachelor.....(scccchhhhh)….one giant leap for Chris Harrison (ssssccccchhh)”.  Chianti is pretty emotional, she didn’t handle it very well whenever Bradley took Emily out at the rose ceremony and spent some private time with her.  I think Brad really likes her, but Shanty is kind of emotionally draining for us as viewers, and I only think he’s going to experience it soon (even though Brad just told her she wasn’t “needy”).  Basically, she’s a bawl bag…………guys do NOT like bawl bags.  Red Flag!

Britt – well, she really opened up on the radio show/group date.  The show’s stylists finally realized she was actually on the show and said “Hey, we’ve got to fix this chic’s hair.”  So that was the first step in the right direction.  Then, she spoke her heart on the group date and Brad figured out who she was, so that was the 2^nd good step.  She then gave him some smooches on the group date and I think Brad was just so shocked by her new hairdo that he decided to give her the “group rose”. 

Here’s a quick rundown of some of the other girls who I still really like:

Lisa – Brad is clearly going off straight looks here; I don’t think Brad has said 2 words to her the entire season.  She could have a legitimate shot if she would actually put in an effort to talk to him.  Poor girl is going to get the boot in the next week or so if she doesn’t shake what her momma gave her.

Shawntel – still one of my top favorites.  I really like Brad likes her down-to-earth personality and easy going attitude.  I wasn’t crazy about her dress she chose at the rose ceremony…those fitted dresses never seem to be very flattering on any girls…due to the F.U.P.A.  But, what can you do I guess. 

Ashely S – I thought it was kinda shady what she did to Meghan on the group date.  We obviously don’t know how much time each girl gets to talk to Brad, but it seemed like Meghan had about 1 minute, and then there was Ashley S sneaking in on them like it was no big deal.  She also was kind of two different colors in the morning when she didn’t have any makeup on.  That was kinda scary.  That’s why I admire so greatly a good looking man…it’s all natural, no paint, no makeup, no botox.  What you see at 6 AM is what you get.  Fortunately, I have a bride who is just like a man!  Not like manly, but I mean she’s beautiful without makeup…you know what I mean.

Jackie – I really like Jackie.  She’s just cute, fun, nice, sweet, sporty.  She doesn’t have that huge Wow factor like some of the other ones, but I feel like she’s got the “it” factor when it comes to marriage.  Clearly some of these girls are wife material, and some are not.  I think Jackie is a part of the 3 or 4 that would be a great fit for Bradley. 

Marissa – We’re all waiting for Marissa to make a move.  She had a great first impression with Brad on the very first episode, and I don’t know if we’ve seen them talk since.  Brad keeps bringing her back, but if she doesn’t step it up in the next few weeks, she could be like Obama…on the way out!

Next week we get to see an emotional event when Emily has to take a trip to the racetrack.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first time for her to be back at one in a long time??  Emily has got to be the clear front runner, but she still has some stiff walls up, even after telling her story to Brad.  If I know my Bradley, he can handle her past.  But the question is, will Emily allow Brad to become her future?  Go Team BrEmily.  I was hoping Lisa would step up her game from last week, but I really don’t think she was able to do it.  So, my top four that I think Brad likes in no particular order, would be:  Emily, Chantal, Jackie, & Ashley S.

I WISH I could transfer Shawntel and Lisa up into that list, but I think Shawntel “stayed in place” this week, and I think Lisa lost some ground.  This show is like a treadmill…either you keep your feet and you keep up, or you can’t hang and you get tossed off the back and break an ankle.  Life is like a Rose…sometimes the thorns slice your finger open and make you bleed for hours on end, and sometimes you buy one from Homeland and it dies the very next day.  Most of you ladies will not understand those metaphors so please do not get a headache trying to grasp them.  I appreciate your trying anyway.  Until we are handing out roses on the moon……..farewell.

XOXO

The Bachelor Wizard

Week 3 – You Can’t Hate Mother Teresa

Well we’re already to the third week.  I apologize for being a day late – I was in Tulsa until late last night so I wasn’t able to watch this week live.  However it wasn’t too bad, because this is one of the few shows where I can get on our treadmill and just run for days while watching.  There’s just something about love that gets in your legs and loins and keeps you going.  Kate and I are training for the OKC Marathon later in the Spring (well, Kate’s only doing the Half…what a bum), and I might just re-watch all of the episodes combined during one of our 20 mile, Saturday morning runs….but probably not.

I want to focus on the episodes themselves from now on, and probably will not do a break-down of each and every girl, mainly because a lot of them don’t have much to say.  I will still hit the highlights on some of the ladies that each episode focuses on, but unfortunately, some of the ladies just don’t get on the camera.  The episode starts out with the ladies on camera, early in the morning – this is always a tell-tale sign of who is wife material.  Brad does not want to marry someone who looks like a rose at night, and wakes up as a weed!  I am fortunate to have a hunny who goes to sleep a rose, and wakes up a 4 leaf clover (something that is sooooooooooo rare).  There were a few ladies who clearly are naturally beautiful – Shawntel, Emily and Jackie all stood out to me.  I won’t say any names of the ladies who I was disappointed with……………………………………….Alli/Michelle/Sarah P.  But we all have our good days and our bad, this was not one of their stronger mornings. 

We all now have our favorites (Emily….cough cough), our second favorites (Shawntel…cough, cough), and those that need to be “left out in the desert” (Michelle….COUGH, COUGH!!!). 

Michelle is a Nut Job, alright people?  I’m really thinking she could have been brought on the show and paid to cause trouble and stir up drama.  Granted, there’s always going to be drama when you get that many girls together in one house.  But don’t think that the Bachelor producers wouldn’t slip someone $5K if they played their “role” they were asked to play.  Think about it…Rozlyn caused huge controversies on last season’s show and the ratings jumped.  Who knows if that whole shenanigan wasn’t all planned out either.  It’s Hollywood people – the only thing real about this show is the LOVE and the plastic surgery. 

Shawntel is one of my favorites.  She excelled in the sweet Action movie that the group made during the group date.  She came out of her shell a little and put the moves on Bradley.  She was his knight in shining armor.  Obviously Brad noticed this by giving her the single rose on the big, group date.  I was surprised and happy to see this.  Of course I thought it was going to Michelle, after she was seducing him.  But it appears our fearless Bachelor does have a brain and can potentially see some problems with her as a wife.  There are definitely other ladies in the group who seem to be top notch wife/cook material, and I think Shawntel is one of them.  He might persuade her to do a name change though, but that’s a minor detail. 

I just don’t get excited about Ashley S.  Yes, Brad gave her a rose on their individual date, but c’mon, she’s not a bottom feeder.  Only the bottom feeders don’t get roses on the individual dates.  Brad might be one of the worst singers I’ve ever heard.  Him trying to sing Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose” was really hurting my ears.  I mean it was just awful.  Poor Ashley had to endure it, so I guess she deserved a rose for that.  Ya know, I think Brad likes her, but I don’t think Ashley has the firepower to be there at the end.  I think he’s fond of her enough to work her way through, but I’d be surprised if she got passed the top 6.  I do like her more than Ashley H. though….she seems like a handful and borderline annoying.

Emily is like this itsie, bitsie Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Teresa.  Quote of the night from Alli, “…you want to hate her, but you can’t, because you can’t hate Mother Teresa.  You gotta love her, so…..no one hates Emily….great, awesome.”  That pretty much sums it up for Emily.  She accidentally cusses on her date and it does sound like Mother Teresa said it herself.  I was pretty surprised with how their date started off.  She clearly was nervous and I think the cameras got to her.  It was probably the most awkward date he’d been on…at first.  Finally, later in the evening she opened up about her story and I think she felt relieved.  When she was able to talk about her little daughter Ricky Bobby, she really was happy.  I don’t think her history will deter Brad at all, I really think if you held a gun to his head, Emily would be in his top Two.  But I could potentially see some issues down the road with Emily – trust issues, perhaps not being able to completely move on, etc.  She would be a shoo-in for the next Bachelorette, but I think she’s similar to Tenley, in that she really might be too nice for it.  Tenley dreamt in cartoons, and I think Emily dreams in romantic-comedies, such as Dumb and Dumber.

Madison came out of left field and drops a bomb on us.  For some reason, Emily’s story hits home with her and makes her realize “something”.  I’m wondering if maybe she has a mister back at home (named Edward Cullen) that she is really missing?  Sounds like Emily’s story made her realize that she shouldn’t wait for tomorrow.  It’s sad…I was just starting to like the fangs………

Yesssssssssssssss, Lisa just got chosen.  She’s one of my sleepers.  She STILL has not gotten a lot of camera time which is not good, but I’m hoping that she’ll start picking it up.  I think they look like a good pair, but we just haven’t gotten to see them intimately talk to each other and really learn about each other.  I’m glad Bradley is on the same wavelength as I am though.  Now if he will just get rid of a few of these poor blondes…

Alright, Kimberly just got booted off the show and she does the typical diva fairwell…. “Brad’s loss…I could go out and start dating someone tomorrow and be fine with it….”, blah blah blah.  Really?  Why in the world did you probably quit your job to come on this show then?  Her bio says that she hates it when a guy is really into her, but she’s not into him at all.  Well, her words have now come back to haunt her as she just got kicked to the curb!  One blonde down….only a few more to go…

So, we’ve gotten to know most of the ladies pretty well, some of them still haven’t gotten much camera time.  Obviously the ones with stories (Emily) or drama (Michelle) or curves (Chantal) are going to get more face time.  But, we’ve at least been able to make some informed decisions at this point.  We’re down to 14 girls…there are probably 5 girls who are still on the show due to number requirements, probably 5 girls who are “in the running” perhaps, and then I think 4 girls who have a legitimate shot at a ring.

Sooooooo, here are my top Four at this point, in no particular order:  Shawntel, Emily, Lisa, and Jackie.  But, realistically, I think Chantal and Ashley S. both have decent shots, when it comes to Brad’s opinion.  He does seem to fancy those two quite a lot.  So who are your top 4?  Leave a comment and let me know why.  If anyone picks the final TWO contestants, you’ll receive a year’s supply of roses courtesy of The Bachelor….I promise.  Lastly, I heard a funny joke the other day……women’s rights. 

XOXO

The Bachelor Wizard

Week 2 - Save the Drama for your Momma

Well, the main story line this week was clearly the drama that finally arose in the House, and it only took the 2^nd week to find it.  Melissa and Raichel for whatever reason can’t get along, and it bites them in the rear as they both got the boot.  Brad decided he wasn’t going to deal with it.  He means business, as do I.  The other headline for the night I thought was Michelle.  Her true colors came out tonight.  She’s not going to be able to maintain stability, that is clear.  In the future preview, there’s a girl who has to leave a future rose ceremony and it sure sounds like it’s Michelle.  Let’s work through tonight’s episode chronologically:

Ashley H – she wears a ballerina dress to the first one-on-one date…apparently Brad mistook her for one of the other girls and got their names confused.  That’s my only explanation.  He is on the right path by taking her out to the middle of nowhere…I just figured he was going to drop her off and leave her.  Instead, he takes her to the Crazy California Carnival.  I only hope Bradley didn’t spend a ton of money on game tickets.  Amazingly, she gets the season’s first kiss, and it’s a doozie.  It did really look like Brad was into it and was like a little school boy again.  They had a pretty deep conversation for a first date, and it looks like the cotton candy broke the barriers down because Ashley S gets the Rose.  The best part of the date was when they were making out on the ferris wheel, just like me and Kate used to do =)   I just realized how short Ashley H was…looks like about 4’8”...maybe that’s why he took her to the carnival (carnies). 

The Group date – 15 girls go on the date to the American Red Cross. 

Michelle – It’s her birthday and she is crying because she wants to.  It’s apparent she’s very into herself and knows she’s attractive.  She’s not used to having to share the attention and it’s already getting to her.  She is quite the brat and she is losing points in my book with every snooty comment!  I’m tired of hearing about her 30^th birthday and the episode isn’t even half way over.  Dang it!!!  Michelle just received the group date’s Rose.  There’s got to be a reason why she’s single at the age of 30, and I hope Brad can realize it sooner than later.  Now, Michelle already has a rose, and she steals Brad away once they all get back to the house and asks him what kind of coffee he likes.  What a skaaaaaaank.  Big NO-NO when you already have a rose – be a classy lady and let Brad have some time to himself.  Minus 73 bachelor points in my book.  Stage 5 Whacko.  I liked her for 1 week...no more.

Keltie – I think her outfit was really attractive…the butch girl wearing a neck brace.  Poor girl didn’t get a rose and took the break up pretty hard.  She admitted all of her dating sources she’s tried…including eharmony.com.  Perhaps she should try match.com

Britt – poor girl, I just don’t see her going very far.  If she does, then I just must not know my Bradley.  She did go above and beyond in her “filming” scene with Brad, which surprised me.  So maybe Brad will like that about her.  She opened up more than I thought she would.  Her prom hairdo ended up working in her favor, as she was the last to receive a rose.  I told you Brad was like a schoolboy, and here it’s shown again as he goes back to his high school days and picks the girl with the up-do and the bangs. 

Emily – love her.  I can’t believe they allow cell phones on the show, need to talk to production about that too.  But at least it’s for a great girl with a kid.  She receives the last rose that’s given before the actual ceremony.  I predicted her receiving the gift just a few seconds before Bradley made his decision.  Great choice and I wish she would make it all the way, but I just don’t have a gut feeling that she’s the ring.  I’m predicting a final four though. 

Melissa – unfortunately, Skeletor came out in tonight’s episode.  She was a little cooky by jumping into the scene and kissing Brad while they were “filming” for the Red Cross.  She’s somewhat annoying.  Melissa is 32 and acts like she’s 16...she just name dropped one of the other girls during a sob session to Brad, not cool.  She also needs a cheeseburger in addition to the 4 pieces of onion pizza she said she ate.  Please get her out of here ASAP before her drama starts its own high school class!!!  Thaaaaaaank God she got the boot.  It goes to show this show is REAL because Brad wasn’t going to take it anymore. 

Jackie – got a one-on-one date, which is not always a good thing near the end of this episode.  She needed to knock it out of the park, I think, to stay…because Ashley H. already got a rose on her one-on-one date.  Out of all those dresses and a hair stylist, I was a little perplexed by her choices.  But what do I know, I’m just the guy who was voted Best Dressed in our office.  She’s a nice and fun girl, but I’m wondering if Brad’s going to feel it with her like he does with some of the others.  I feel like both Brad and Jackie are both being very cautious with one another, and they’re both holding back.  But he is willing to take the risk, even with her being a below average dancer during their date.  I felt some resistance during the slow dance and it took some awkwardness before their kiss, but once they did, it was beautiful.  Love rained down from the stars up above. 

Raichel – the valumptuous girl was booted for the bickering.  We don’t have time to waste with all that drama…we’re looking for love and laughter, not tears and tissues ladies. 

Ali and Bob – interview some of the girls.  Melissa of course goes and seeks support for her issues.   Too bad it was too little, too late for her.  Hopefully Ali and Robert-O saw through the guise and gave Brad the heads up on her. 

Alli – big surprise…didn’t even get any camera time, but I think Brad’s choices were pretty easy this week with Raichel and Melissa bickering so much.  Really, he only had to make the decision regarding one girl this week.  Alli benefited from this.

Ashley S – one of the more serious contenders in my opinion.

Kimberly – 2^nd surprise, I think she was kept around by default, who is this girl?  Maybe she is just trying to be very, very sneaky.

Shawntel N – played it cool this week, nothing too exciting happened with her.  Have not really gotten to know her very well, but seems like she would be a good fit for Brad.  I would like to see her in the top 6.

Stacey – another one who flew under the radar and benefited from the drama.  All she had to do was beat out Keltie, and she did it. 

Madison – I asked Edward Cullen to come last week and remove her, maybe I should have called Jacob instead. 

Chantal – may be around for another few weeks as he continues to weed out some of the pretenders, but I don’t see her being a serious contender. 

Lisa M – my number 1.a and I haven’t even gotten to know her yet.  A very attractive young lady and just hasn’t had much one-on-one time with Brad but I feel like when she does, they’ll have a solid connection.  I would personally like to see her in the final 3, but time will tell. 

Sarah P – Again, I think she benefited from the bickering.  Brad kept her around because she kept quiet.  Every woman in America needs to re-read that last sentence…heed Sarah’s actions and you will be kept around =)

Marissa – also flew under the radar this episode.  Brad remembers her though and didn’t need to spend much time with her.  She’s safe for the next few weeks.

Meghan – 3^rd huge shock.  What was he thinking?  I guess he liked her more than Keltie

Lindsay – thank God Brad had a ton of roses because I thought she was gone.  I don’t know if her and Brad even talked once this week but she lives for another week.  I’m not sure if Brad knows her name though??

This week, along with the next week or two, is when we really get to know the girls.  We learned a little tonight, but not as much as I would have imagined.  It was really focused more on Michelle and Melissa than anyone else.  It’s still difficult picking a winner, but I would love Emily or Lisa to get the ring.  But realistically it’s probably someone like Ashley S, Marissa, or Jackie.  As I sit here watching the national championship football game, I ask myself why can’t we all just get along and love one another?  Just like this game, there is so much violence, hatred, drama, excessive celebrating, and cheating (Cam Newton’s Agent…I mean his Dad)…why can’t we all just realize that every day is like a day on the Bachelor – be true to yourself and those around you;  even though there will be some thorns, a beautiful rose may very well be on the horizon. 

XOXO

The Bachelor Wizard

Week 1 - Introductions

Well, we're finally here.  It's that special time of year when love is in the air...no not February 14th...but rather Bachelor season.  More people get engaged during seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette than any other 3 month period per year.  Ok so I might have made that up, but most of you would have believed it.  You will read many false statements throughout my blogs, but it's not important that you know which are true and which are not.  The important thing is that you just trust me on whatever I say. 

A few things to get out of the way - First, I'm a stickler for grammar, however I will not hold myself accountable.  So do not think less of me if I make a mistake here or their............just testing you.  Second, I usually have outside sources spread across the U.S. that I converse with, however because I want all of you to have a truly heart-to-heart experience this season, I am refraining from doing that and will be guided by my own personal cupid.  I apologize if you disagree with my opinions throughout this season, but until you pick 7 out of the last 12 semi-finalists, you do not get to have a say.  Also of extreme importance, I will be attempting to keep this blog respectful, as all of these ladies I'm sure are lovely in real life.  They are all very, very pretty females, and I'm sure will have no problem finding a man in real life.  With that being said, I will have to make some comparisons in the looks department between the girls.  This is a fact of life and cannot be avoided.  I will also have to make certain assertions based upon their actions and/or statements on the show.  Hollywood makes us do crazy things people, and we all are responsible for our actions while on camera. As many of you also probably know, I like to make “female intelligence” jokes.  Please do not take these seriously if you are a female…unless you want to.  Many of you will probably not even be able to comprehend them, so just trust me that they are funny.

This season looks to be as good as ever, with unique dates and  lovely destinations like South Africa and Anguilla.  It makes me sick to think Chris Harrison does this for a living.  I am praying that someday I’ll be able to take his job when he retires.  Your support with that is appreciated. 

Because the first episode has come and gone, that gives us the benefit of not having to dig through all the excess baggage.  We’re down from 30 to 20 girls…and that’s fine with me.  Thirty is too many; I plan to talk to production about that.  Out of those twenty ladies that are still left, let’s go over who we think has a chance at true love this season:

MVB’s (Most Valuable Bachelorettes)

MICHELLE (My tentative #1…although she’s reminiscent of Rozlyn from last season, let’s hope it doesn’t turn out the same way.  She’s by far tops in the looks department, but could potentially go off the deep end like Elizabeth did from Jake’s season.  Brad clearly likes her a lot; my prediction is that she’ll make it far, possibly top 4, but won’t be getting a ring because Brad will ultimately decide she’s not the wife he’s needing)

EMILY (My second #1…I like her more each time she talks.  One of the rare blondes that Brad will like.  Seems very sweet and down to earth, and I think Brad will be drawn to her because of that.  Seems very authentic, however I hope she is truly over her heartache that she experienced, Brad will have questions about that I’m sure.  Love her accent.  If she doesn’t win this season, which she very well could, I’m picking her to be a top candidate for the Bachelorette)

LISA M. (#3…Brad is clearly a brunette kind of guy; a very attractive girl from Kansas who I think Brad will relate to.  One of the tops in looks department and seems genuine and authentic, I hope she’s not too young though.  She just needs to make sure she puts herself out there.  The Wizard likes…we might just be back in Kansas Toto.)

MARISSA (#4…She’s memorable because of her first impression – she loves sports and is very attractive.  Seems somewhat quiet and reserved and will need to assert herself and not get left behind.  It wouldn’t bother me if she gained a few lbs while in the house, hopefully they have a lot of junk food.  Brad needs a big, fine woman who can back that thang up)

SHAWNTAL N. (#5…God bless her heart regarding her name, but she’s a very cute girl and seems to have a fun personality.  Seems to be someone easy to talk to.  She works on dead people, so that gives her extra brownie points in my book.  I personally like her, I don’t think she’s going to win, but looks like she shows up in Africa so she’s possibly top 6 or 8)

The Competitors

Stacey (Very reminiscent of Gia from last season…which I think is a good thing.  Not very memorable from the first episode and will need to step it up to not get caught up in the shuffle)

Jackie (a very attractive, bubbly brunette with a fun personality, also has nice hair which is a plus.  Her singing escapade was bad news bears though…guys do not like to hear girls sing unless they can bring down the house, FYI.  She wasn’t brutal, but even a few bad notes can crack some windows.  Know your limits ladies)

Ashley S. (A sweet southern Belle who Brad clearly likes, i.e. first impression rose.  Tenley got the first impression rose last season and was the runner-up.  This chic said the right things on the first episode, but I don’t know if she’ll be able to keep up with some of the other ones when it comes to the physical attraction.  She’s near the top for now, but will probably be sliding down in the coming weeks)

The JV Team

Lindsay (I’m not much for “auburn” type girls, but she’s pretty good.  She’s from TX which Brad will like.  Initially had her as a Competitor, but I don’t think I see her in the previews really, which is never a good sign)

Ashley H. (Brad straight up tells her she’s beautiful when he meets her, and she is cute, but does have a 5-head.  Sheappears to be present in the previews in episodes that will air later on in the show.  Definitely not one I would have picked, but still have to consider the evidence that we have)

Raichel (A voluptuous brunette who waxes people.  But I think when she waxed Brad’s wrist, that may have been the closest she will get to him.  Too much competition for an extended stay)

Keltie (I like the girl, she’s bubbly and limber, but her bangs are a little whack and could potentially be borderline annoying.  She’s not bad, but unfortunately she’s got some tough competition…and squirrelly bangs)

The Girls who I hope didn’t Quit their Jobs to be on the Show:

Megan (those crazy shoes of hers have done her in.  I’m predicting an exit next week most likely)

Alli (a well endowed gal who was very persistent in talking with Bradley…borderline annoying with it.  She was flaunting the goods for Bradley, but being an “apparel merchant” is going to be the death of her.  I don’t even know what that is)

Britt (Unmemorable)

Madison (Someone please call Edward Cullen to get her out of here…what a cuckoo.  Although she’s not as bad as Michelle from last season…haha, I wish they would have brought her back)

Chantal (If Brad has any sense, he will get rid of her, she’s already showed signs of physical abuse by slapping him.  Unfortunately it looks like she’s on the show for a while, I’m hoping not more than a few more weeks)

Melissa (Nice gal, but nothing very memorable about her…she was one of the last ones to get a rose…he was running out of options)

Kimberly (I don’t really remember her, so that’s why she’s down here)

Sarah P. (another doomed Blonde…she should have dyed her hair)

That rounds up my 20 ladies.  I’ll be shuffling around my top choices week to week, as all of America does.  I will try to provide my usual commentary during the show on Facebook so please stay tuned there as well, and then will follow it up with this weekly synopsis.  Your thoughts, comments and suggestions are appreciated, as long as they don’t go against what I say. 

As I round out this first blog, I would like to close by saying – Molly Mesnick, formerly Malaney, was and still is my favorite Bachelor contestant.  And wouldn’t you know it, she’s the only one who’s ever gotten married (Trista and Ryan do not count since they were on the Bachelorette)!!!  So go fly a kite to anyone who doesn’t like her!!! 

Every Rose has its Thorns,

The Bachelor Wizard