Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegas! And we’re off to Sin City for Week 5. Our group of lovely ladies has now dwindled down to a much more intimate number. We’re finally getting a better idea of what their personalities are like, and which ones are legit and which ones are “just another rose”. As I sit here in my recliner, watching HGTV, and witnessing Blizzard2K11 just begin, I realize something – love is just like this snowstorm: one day it’s warm and 75 degrees, and 2 days later it’s frigid, blustery, and pouring down frozen rain on us. Most of you women out there will not understand what that means, so please ask the nearest male for an interpretation.
So we’re in Vegas, where dreams come true….the city of love…the Big Apple. Alli apparently has big plans for her and Brad to sneak off to a wedding chapel and get married. Little does she know that Brad is keeping her around for the ABC network flag football game coming up in a few weeks. Girl’s a beast. They’re lodging at Aria, one of Vegas’ new high-rises. I always enjoy these travel episodes so I can decide if it’s worth us checking out the locales. I love Vegas, but I think I’ll hold out for their journey to Anguilla or Costa Rica instead…
Shawntel N – Shawntel the Embalmer receives the one-on-one date with Brad in Vegas. She gets a “shopping spree”, but she doesn't know that she only gets to “keep” these things for the life of the show. What a bummer. If Brad is any kind of normal guy, this had to be the worst possible start to a date ever. NO guy wants to sit around and have to watch a girl try on clothes for hours…especially when he doesn’t care about any of the outfits and has to continuously lie and say “Oh my, that is gorgeous…you look amazing…”. I get flustered when my lovely Bride even asks me which perfume she should wear. Later on in the better part of the date (the actual food) Brad informs her that she’s the most beautiful funeral director he’s ever met…I hope she didn’t get too flattered by that. How many funeral directors do you know? I really like Shawnty and I think she and Brad make a lovely couple, but it was quite unfortunate that their entire date centered around her being a funeral director. I’m scared that that could be the “best” part about her? Whoever helped her with her hair for this date also needs to be punished (I assume it was probably Britt or Lisa who insisted on helping). On a “connectivity scale” of 1 to 10…I give them a 7.5. On a roseability scale (meaning the likelihood of getting that final rose) I give her a 8.2
The group date consists of Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt, and Michelle hitting the race tracks. It makes you wonder how or why the producers chose a NASCAR race track for a date with Emily involved. Really? Are you just trying to make the girl break down? Granted, Emily has been linked to Dale Earnhardt Jr…so perhaps she is “OK” with her past and really can move on. I’ll say this – women should not be allowed to drive on normal streets, much less on a race track. I have a serious problem with this date. I’m assuming all of the girls “driving” was actually done in a simulator. That’s the only explanation I can think of.
Emily the Angel – so we all find it kind of hard to believe that Brad has no idea about Emily’s NASCAR connection, but whatever, we’ll still watch future episodes. As usual, Emily tries to hide her pain and tries to be strong, but obviously the memories of NASCAR and Ricky Bobby (Talledega Nights) still affect her, and rightfully so. Anyone would be emotional in her position, even myself…well maybe not me, but any female. Brad takes her off to the “side” out into the pasture and they have a chat and get it all straightened out. You can sense that some of the other girls are feeling slighted and we will see that later on. Emily does mention how much she “misses Ricky” and how badly he always wanted her to drive a racecar, but she never would. Later on, she and Brad have another personal conversation, and kind of a heart-to-heart, and even though I think Emily is making steps in the right direction to being able to love again, I think it’s still safe to say her history is going to prevent her from fully connecting with Bradley. I give their connectivity a 9 since Brad is clearly infatuated with her, however her roseability is nowhere near that. I don’t think there’s any chance she’s the last one standing.
Alli the Linebacker – Brad is annoyed on their group date. If I have to listen to another one of these girls cry because they don’t feel special, I’m going to have Michelle give them a black eye. She cries because Brad has spent too much time talking to Emily because “she has the worst story”. What???????? Big mistake Alli the Enforcer!!! Brad needs to be careful, one of these dates Alli is going to go AWOL and crack some skulls. Fortunately, Brad picks up on this later on in the episode and gives her some individual attention. He’s keeping her hungry though – he wants her to be fierce for the football game coming up soon. I give their connectivity a 3.4 and roseability a -7
Side note - Brad’s swim trunks are shorter than my spandex shorts that I wear to the pool (see picture above).
Chantal the Crying Frontrunner - a/k/a Chanty (pronounced Shanty…like a wooden shack), I just realized something extremely IMPORTANT…..she has a slight LISTTTTTHHHHHHHPPPPPPPP!!!! Now, why is this so important? Becauthe the Bachelor lovths girlths with listhps….anyone remember Melitha Rycroft????? You all tried to tell me that she DIDN’T have one, but we all know she did. It was very sthlight, but she had one alright. And granted, Jason didn’t end up marrying her, but he DID give her a ring right? And what about Natalie Getzth? Ya, you never listened for it on her, but she’th got one too, and she won Bachelor Pad. So that’s the first great thing she has going for her. The 2nd thing is she’s saying a lot of the right things. She’s emotional, but keeps it together just enough for Brad to not get annoyed. She’s voluptuous and Brad likes it. She’s also brunette which is another plusth for her. BUT, near the end of the episode, she and Brad have a personal chat and Chantal states that she feels like she and Brad are “in a good place right now” and Brad straight up shrugged his shoulders and gave her a funny smirk. So I’m not exactly sure what his thoughts are. But I still give their connectivity an 8.7 and rosability a 9.3.
Ashley the Dentist – she’s got 90’s pageant hair, and she’s a midget. That’s why she enjoyed their first date at the carnival so much. Why did Brad keep her???? If someone can give me a good reason I’ll give you one year’s worth of free teeth cleaning at wherever her dentist office is located. This girl drives me nuts…I feel like she’s like a little mosquito that flies around your head, and then bites you and gives you West Nile. Connectivity is at a 6.2, and roseability is an 8.5
Ashley the Nanny – She’s being a Debbie downer during their date. I don’t know where she got her spoiled milk, but she sure is being negative Nancy. Their date goes like this “Ashley…we’ve always had a connection, you’re so special. Now, other Ashley…we’ve always had a connection. Wait... I meant that for the other Ashley….what’s your last initial again?” That must have been the most confusing date he’s ever been on. But poor girl, I was really rooting for her over 5-Head Ashley the Dentist. Nanny Ashley was way better than the Dentist. The Dentist was unstable emotionally and she’s going to really kill their children’s chances to be taller than 5’5”…that’s something Brad needs to be thinking about. Then again, if he’s looking ahead at kids, Alli is the best pick for NFL Linebackers. But back to the Nanny…I hope the limo driver was sure to build her confidence back up, because she sure was beat to a pulp. Ashely S sure did remind me of a good friend of mine – Andrea Evenson, now Keim. And that was a good thing, because I liked Ashley S. But…Andrea…I’m sorry hun, but it’s all over. LYLAS girl.
Michelle “Let me tell you something” Money – anyone else notice she always “Let me tell you something”? Well, at least this episode wasn’t dominated by MM. Sure, she still got her camera time, but after all, she’s a paid actress, remember? I can’t wait until her feature film comes out. As the past few weeks entailed, Brad has to put out a lot of energy when dealing one-on-one with Michelle. Michelle gives him a lot of riddles and puzzles and stuff that would just give me a headache. After Michelle gives him a break from the headache of dealing with all the other girls on the group date, she takes him back for his weekly make-out session and he says “thanks”. I think anytime you tell a girl “thanks” for making out with you, you typically don’t plan to marry that one. I could be wrong though.
Britt the Mute– what in the heck???????? Is Brad wanting to go back to high school? Because that’s what he’s getting Britt – a 1990’s gymnast! How does she keep getting these roses? I have a pretty good feeling she’s one of the girls who gets a one-on-one date in Anguilla with Brad in the future episodes, which means she has to make it pretty far. I just don’t know what Brad sees (or hears) in her, when compares to Marissa or Lisa. Neither of them spoke to Brad, but maybe he’s required to keep at least 1 blonde through a certain point on the show? Their connectivity can’t be higher than a 5 but somehow I feel her roseability is about a 7…unfortunately. I only follow my heart on these numbers.
Marissa – Poor girl…way too little, way too late. It was a nice gesture for her to give him the little sweet nothings, but after her initial good first impression, she went downhill like a sled on ice (in honor of the flurries we’re going to have tonight and tomorrow).
Lisa – I think there is a rule that if you don’t say more than 4 words to the Bachelor on camera through 5 episodes, you automatically get cut. I liked Lisa, she was a very pretty girl with sort of a rats-nest hairdo, but Britt could have helped out with that right? I do hate to see these ladies get too upset…you’d think they wouldn’t be all that surprised? But there’s always The Bachelor Pad, or Dating in the Dark.
Jackie – well, I don’t have a nickname for her yet, but I’m working on it. Jackie didn’t get a lot of camera time during this episode, but I think she’s ok. She’s extremely genuine and compassionate, evidenced by her understanding of Emily’s situation. I think she’s a sleeper here and I would love to see her in the top 3, but I don’t know if Brad and I are on the same wave length there…after all, he still kept Ashley the Midget, I mean Dentist. I think they could have some really good connectivity, so I’ll give them a 7.8, but I think her roseability is probably lower, near a 7.
Well, it appears Brad is now having to talk to his therapist after each time he sends a girl home. How much does this therapist get paid, by the way? Not a bad gig this guy’s got. Also…what about Ashley the Dentist, or even Michelle, maybe getting together with the therapist??? Both of them are borderline crazy at times, I think they could really benefit from dating someone who can analyze their issues and digest them in a healthy fashion. According to Brad, he learned that “strength and vulnerability can co-exist” from the therapist…I need to write that down, I could see that in a greeting card someday. We’re down to NINE ladies everybody! Where has the time flown? The best is yet to come. We’ve got some amazing destinations, some passionate dates, and guaranteed many more sob fests to come. So buckle up, because the magic carpet ride to LOVE is just getting started. No offense to any Middle Easterners.
XOXO
The Bachelor Wzithard
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